For Everything There is a Season

https://danivoiceovers.com/8cbz8xd "In order to write about life, first you must live it." ~ Ernest Hemingway

Category: chronic illness (Page 10 of 13)

Leaving Forty

May 2, 2012 / / 7 Comments
Every year on your birthday, you get a chance to start new. ~ Sammy Hagar

follow link Tomorrow I am leaving my fortieth year. It seemed like just yesterday I was writing about turning forty in a blog entry (Turning Forty) and how significant that event was to me. It was a great birthday accompanied by a super fantastic surprise party with my family and friends. My impending birthday tomorrow has left me reflecting on the past year. One of the things I wrote about in the Turning Forty essay was about how birthdays are a way to celebrate our lives and how they are also a chance to say “Yes, I have gotten here.”

Tramadol Online In many ways, I have not quite ended up where I thought I would be by the time I turned forty-one. I had anticipated that the past year would lead to a significant improvement in my health as well as a return to the work force as a registered nurse. I had plans for having one of my essays published in print. I wanted to lose a ton of weight. Like I stated in the previous essay: Ahh, the best laid plans. Maybe that is why we shouldn’t make so many of them, right?

https://www.marineetstamp.com/3f707db32i My autoimmune illness got worse rather than better. I was diagnosed with two life threatening illnesses within a span of ten days earlier this year, both of which I have recovered fully from. At least physically. The threat of what “could have happened” still lingers in my memory. I know, I really need to get over that. Although both illnesses were not lifestyle related, I hit rock bottom with the exhaustion of dealing with illness and being sick all the time. I found a way to cope with that. I took more control over my body and health by changing several aspects of my lifestyle including changing my diet, getting exercise, and reducing stress. I made a big commitment to being a healthier person.

https://geolatinas.org/yaj7ry4vg I lost a lot of connections with some friends over this past year for a variety of reasons. I made a few new ones. In the process of both, I learned the value of quality over quantity and the importance of selecting my friends with care. As I continue to get older, I become more astutely aware of the significance that these relationships have for me and that sometimes these relationships are ever changing, just like the rest of the world is so much of the time.

https://www.elevators.com/ps0b88gg8 In my fortieth year, I took a few risks. One of those was committing to marry the love of my life, A bold move for me because it has meant placing my complete trust in a partner. And finding out that when you are with the right partner, that trust will not be broken. I have learned over my past year with him about what it takes for a relationship to survive the darkest of hours in order to be able to travel the same path together for a lifetime.

https://purestpotential.com/1gwa93mg4 Although when I turned forty, I felt like I had already learned the importance of living each day like it was a privilege, this past year has taught me the importance of prioritizing each of those days:

https://getdarker.com/editorial/articles/fenodgdtuj That cleaning the bathroom is not as important as spending time on the phone with a loved one.

follow url That washing the dishes in the sink is not as important as hanging out with my fiance.

https://www.mbtn.net/?p=7uu5e60m0q That returning emails is not as important as getting my work out done.

http://www.mscnantes.org/ntqnm3ve3 Although my birthday tomorrow will be much more low key than when I turned the big 4-0, I am looking forward to it. I have much to celebrate and be thankful for. The most important thing I have to celebrate and be thankful for is the fact that I get to keep going on this crazy journey which is otherwise known as my life. I am still alive. I get to experience more joy, more hugs, more tears, and more laughs. Tomorrow I get to sit back and say once again, “Yes, I have gotten here.” And like last year, I once again have the opportunity to realize even more of my hopes and dreams in the next year of my life.

https://onlineconferenceformusictherapy.com/2025/02/22/1cvc0ij I really could not ask for more.

follow Photo Courtesy of Chuck Myers

Waterworld

April 26, 2012 / / 2 Comments
“The water is your friend. You don’t have to fight with water, just share the same spirit as the water, and it will help you move.” ~ Aleksandr Popov

https://www.brigantesenglishwalks.com/q6gi68beyw I have not been in a regulation sized pool or swam a lap since freshman year of high school. Sure, I have been in backyard pools and in the ocean but not a REAL pool. I learned to swim later than most kids; I was about thirteen or so. As an awkward, geeky, and somewhat overweight freshman in high school, the swimming portion of our physical education classes was a nightmare for me. I will spare you the details but at that age, you can just imagine.

go here Anyways, I recently changed gyms and one of the major factors in that decision was because this gym has a pool and I thought it would be a good way for me to get the exercise I need when my Sjogren’s symptoms are flaring up; which can make even going for a walk difficult at times. However I had fallen five weeks ago and sustained a nasty wound to my knee which needed to fully heal before I could go in the water. This week it finally healed.

follow site I had a lot of doubt about my ability to swim laps without making a spectacle of myself (completely unfounded worry) and I figured I would start my new found aquatic life with a water aerobics class. Of course this means going out in public in a bathing suit; which I had some anxiety over. It actually makes no sense because I go to the beach and walk around there in a bathing suit, but there was something about doing so in a pool area, at a gym with fit people, that seemed more intimidating to me. I hate the fact that even at the age of forty, I still concern myself with issues like this.

watch But of course I sucked it up and was constantly telling myself that people are there to work out and not notice how fat I may look in my bathing suit. Be brave I told myself. This is not high school. And I was fine.

https://www.elevators.com/lzu76tmtnv5 The second I got my body in that pool, I felt like I was in pure heaven. I have struggled so much with my autoimmune illness and physical challenges over the past several months. I have also struggled with body image issues, as obviously noted above, related to not only the physical pain and fatigue I experience, but also related to the side effects of my steroids. These have included swelling, weight gain, and my hair falling out in clumps on a daily basis. In the pool though, my body feels less broken. It is lighter. I feel my muscles relax. I feel capable and strong. I even swam two laps doing what I think is a breast stroke. And I didn’t have a heart attack.

https://danivoiceovers.com/ag8ademh96l There are multiple issues to consider when someone with Sjogren’s syndrome spends time in a pool. Chlorine can be irritating to my already very dry eyes as well as possibly to my lungs. I did not put my face in the water today at the class, but I love to swim underwater. I think investing in a pair of swim goggles might be in order. I also need to remember to put in eye drops immediately before and after being in the pool. I am hoping that the chlorine will not be a problem for my allergies or lungs but if it does become an issue, that’s what I have a pulmonologist for. Those of us with Sjogren’s also struggle with severe dry skin issues which can be exacerbated my chlorine. Luckily, I live five minutes from the gym. My intent is to plan my morning so that I immediately go home and showe and apply body cream after being in the pool.

https://paradiseperformingartscenter.com/qvo5i3n The class itself went well. I was not sure that I was getting much of a work out because my heart wasn’t pumping as hard as it does with other forms of exercise. And of course there was no sweating involved. We did something called water walking which involved a flotation device thing. We did stretching and aerobic exercises in both the shallow and deep ends. We also used light weights with some of the exercises. It didn’t even really feel like I was exercising at times although towards the end of the hour, I did notice I was appropriately short of breath. Time will tell because if I am sore tomorrow morning, then I had a good work out. Also I had an excellent night’s sleep last night and I have been exhausted since leaving the gym. It doesn’t feel like autoimmune related fatigue or coming off prednisone fatigue. It feels like your ordinary exhaustion from exercising.

http://www.mscnantes.org/m8ks9so Unfortunately, I also had to bring Molly for a walk this morning after the class as she has not been getting out enough and is acting like a total nut at times because of that. So now I am completely exhausted but besides a headache, I can say that I don’t have any pain. It is still a challenge for me to plan my days so that I can appropriately pace myself physically in terms of getting in my physical therapy, strength training, and cardiovascular work outs. As well as walking Molly, housework, medical appointments, shopping, cooking meals, etc. Before Sjogren’s, I could just plow through my day, but now my body requires frequent rest periods. It will all come together eventually I suppose. I have no choice but to make it work.

https://www.yolascafe.com/9ich71ehp6d And the best part?

get link Ten minutes in the hot tub afterwards.

https://www.mbtn.net/?p=co68oij8q Nirvana!

Exercise and Sjogren’s

April 23, 2012 / / 8 Comments

https://lpgventures.com/mce98vk

“Movement is a medicine for creating change in a person’s physical, emotional, and mental states”. ~ Carol Welch

https://geolatinas.org/qkkq3spyua5 I’ve been doing a lot of thinking about exercise lately. And about having an autoimmune illness. No surprise considering I have been back in the gym for about two weeks now. I cannot lie; it has been difficult at times. Before the whole Guillain-Barre incident this past January, I was, in between Sjogren’s flare ups, getting some exercise by walking my dog. I was also doing some strength training for a few months. However things are different now. Since I lost so much of my abilities to function with the Guillain-Barre incident, being able to move, walk, and just get out of bed has taken on a whole new meaning. I have definitely had to work harder at exercising in order to regain my strength, balance, and functioning.

see url With the help of a staff person at my gym and more importantly, with the help of my physical therapist, we have come up with a routine combining resistance work, weight lifting, and cardiovascular work in an effort to continue building up my strength, stamina, and to help accomplish my weight loss goals. The reason why I say it has been difficult is because I have so many factors working against me in my endeavor to get healthier and stronger. I am not exactly what you would call an athlete and never have been. I have the Sjogren’s syndrome symptoms to deal with as well as issues with the nerves and muscles in my head and neck. And let us not forget that I am weaning down on my prednisone which tends to aggravate my joint pain, stiffness, and a host of other issues.

source Many times I am sleep deprived either due to pain issues and medications. Many times I am unmotivated to exercise because I am just fed up with always struggling to get through the day. Many times I don’t want to get any exercise because I know for a fact that it is likely I will be very sore the next day. And really, I already have enough pain and fatigue issues to deal with.

https://onlineconferenceformusictherapy.com/2025/02/22/0lvt8xp But I do it anyways.

follow I have found that all of those above reasons I listed for not wanting to exercise are one thing: excuses.

follow The excuses can go on and on. Poor me, I cannot exercise because I am in pain. Or because I have this terrible chronic illness. I am too tired. I can’t use a a certain piece of equipment because I am too fat or too uncoordinated. I cannot exercise because I need the energy to do other things today.

Tramadol 200Mg Online I will be the first to admit that I have had to work much harder than I would have liked to work this time around in order to pace myself through the week so that I can get some type of exercise on an almost daily basis. Sometimes it has meant giving up something social I really wanted to do that day or not having my home as clean as I would like it. It has been a matter of prioritizing. I do this prioritizing because I strongly feel that exercise is going to be one of the key factors in helping me get well or at the very least, hopefully help decrease the incidence of further Sjogren’s complications.

see url The results I have seen, first in the seven weeks of physical therapy I have had and more recently in the gym, have shown me how essential getting exercise is in the management of my autoimmune illness. Yes, I have been dealing with a lot of muscle soreness from using muscles that I didn’t know I had. And I am absolutely useless after about 4pm as I am so exhausted from the exercise that I can barely function. But guess what? When my Sjogren’s is in full gear, I am pretty much useless after 12 or 1pm anyways. Far as I see it, I am ahead of the game right now.

https://alldayelectrician.com/f02xeyhv1 So the benefits I have seen so far is the quick recovery I have made from the Guillain-Barre. Until that 4pm time, my energy level has increased dramatically during the day which overall, has improved my quality of life. The withdrawal symptoms from the prednisone have been much better than usual although admittedly, I am not sure if this is due just to the exercise or to my dietary changes as well. The biggest change however has probably been in my stress level and overall well being. I try to do my work outs in the morning when I tend to have the most energy. I swear that I am getting high on the endorphins.

https://guelph-real-estate.ca/vp2ac2dar I think that oftentimes those of use who have an autoimmune illness or any other chronic condition feel that we cannot exercise as it will make us worse. Or that we are too sick to do something. And there are those rare people, such as quadriplegics, who truly cannot do any exercise on their own. However that is not the case for most of us.

go to site It doesn’t have to be all or nothing and there have been many studies proving the benefit of exercise on pain and fatigue; as well as the depression and anxiety that often accompany various chronic illnesses. There are so many different ways to exercise that do not have impact on our joints such as swimming or resistance exercises. You would not even believe the bicep muscles I have developed just from doing some simple exercises at home using an exercise ball and a resistance band. I guess the point is to just do something. Anything. Whatever you are capable of doing is better than nothing at all. And who knows, you may even surprise yourself.

Photo: Courtesy of Chuck Myers

“Why Me?”

April 4, 2012 / / 8 Comments

Every hand in need that reaches for me

is a piece of my salvation.
The troubles they have mirror mine.
In acknowledging their demands.
I help heal their wounds, give them hope.
What I want is to be selfish and sit in the dark.
I want to scream… WHY ME!
But with the Grace of God, I cannot.
I sympathize with the pain and sorrow.
My compassion is the light by which I walk,
it is what heals me.
~ Cyndi Lamacchia
This is an excerpt from the poetry that was read during our Easter Cantata at my church last Sunday. This particular part was written by another member of my church and in the moment that it was being read aloud by my minister, the words grabbed me. It seemed to echo how I had been feeling about my life over the past several weeks.
I think it is a great piece not only because it sang to me, but also because it can be interpreted in many different ways; both religious and non religious. My first interpretation upon hearing it is that it is about Jesus. But then I realized that it could also be about many of us; those who are facing huge obstacles in our lives. Sometimes one obstacle right after another in a relentless fashion.
This particular Sunday morning found me feeling lousy and I was questioning whether I should get up and go to church at all. I was battling a sinus infection on top of dealing with some of the same ongoing neurological issues and I was also recovering from a nasty fall the week before. Not even to mention that I was weaning down my dose of steroids, which typically causes my body a lot of grief until my body readjusts to the new dose. The assault on my body just seemed to continue week after week. And honestly, I was sick and tired of it.

As Chuck was getting dressed that morning and I was debating in my mind whether it was wiser to get up and go or stay home and rest, a statement that is very atypical for me came blurting out of my mouth. I said that maybe I should get myself to church if for no other reason than to ask God why he keeps throwing one health obstacle after another at me with no respite. Why can’t he just give me a break? I thought I was half kidding when I uttered the words but the thoughts and words came so fast that I think there was some truth to them. Because looking back at the past three months, it really has been one issue after another and let’s face it, I already had a full plate to begin with.

“Why me?”

I don’t do the whole self pity thing too often and to be honest, I don’t think that God is up wherever he is plotting different ways to torture me. I believe in a loving God. Not one that punishes us. I like to think that there is a reason for most things that happen in life but lately, I am not so sure about that. Am I being tested? Do I just have terrible luck? As you can tell, I have been doing a lot of questioning lately about why I am in the place I am with my health. I don’t blame God necessarily but I do sit back and wonder about it. Am I experiencing this in order to appreciate the many blessings that I do have in my life? Is it supposed to make me a stronger person? Or is it just the way it is?

Regardless, the onslaught of physical problems over the past three months has all led to me wanting to selfishly, as this poem mentions, spend more time than usual in the dark.

Stay in bed. Stay home. Let the illness win.

But I do not.
I keep going.

I keep going for many reasons:
For the family and friends who love me and have cheered me on day after day, week after week.

For all those affected by Sjogren’s syndrome and other chronic illnesses I have met online and in person whose hand in need has reached for me. At times they have been MY salvation.

For myself because I like to believe that someday the light by which I walk will be much brighter.
It is very easy to fall into the “why me?” trap. Although perhaps a perfectly natural response, it is a futile one. The time and energy spent in our self pity over events that we may not have control over leads us to make less than optimum decisions. Decisions are something that we DO have control over. Instead of making the decision to give into our crisis or illness, we can make attempts at avoiding the dark place. Like deciding if we truly need to stay in bed and rest versus making an attempt to be in the world. Or like the decision to push ourselves on a difficult day to get outside and walk; even if it is just a very short distance. Maybe making a conscious decision to replace “why me?” with “how can I help you” to another person. It is not always easy to make these decisions as sometimes we should rest or not take that walk if it will do more harm than good.

This is the point in my blog entry where I wrap it up with some heartfelt opinion or realization but truly, I have none today. And that is not a bad thing either. It means that I still wrestle with the issue and like is implied in the poem, I am not alone in this. I would like to know what my readers think about this topic.

Do you ever sit back and say “why me?”

What do you do to avoid getting sucked into that dark place?

Do you feel that it changes the way that you think about God?

Photo Courtesy of Google Images

Beaten Down and Other Musings

February 26, 2012 / / 11 Comments
Fall seven times, stand up eight. ~Japanese Proverb

I know “beaten down” seems like a depressing entry for a blog title. And I also know that it is difficult for some of the people in my life, either who read my blog or follow me on Facebook, to read an onslaught of negative thoughts about what is going on with my medical issues. Heck, it is hard for ME to be in my own head sometimes lately or even to read a lot of negative thoughts on Facebook pages such as the Sjogren’s syndrome one that I follow. But I have promised myself to start being more honest in not only my writing, but also in my interactions with other people. So here we are. The thing is: when I write and am able to process my thoughts, my alter ego, the much stronger one also known as “the optimist” usually finds her way out. Bear with me.

Just as Chuck and I were starting to watch a movie at home last night, I leaned over to him and said “I just feel beaten down.” I wasn’t sure really what my problem was. My mood swings from the steroids had lessened just enough to make me think that I will make it through this course of treatment without continuing to cry or wanting to kill someone several times a day.

Not even joking about that one. I cannot believe people actually take that stuff for a non-medical reason!

But I had not been feeling like myself all day and feeling well, beaten down; maybe even overwhelmed from trying to process all the events of the past few weeks. After all, I had been diagnosed with two blood clots in my lungs, Guillain-Barre syndrome, and had a recent and exhausting trip to the emergency room just two days prior with severe head pain, nausea, and increased tremors. I was checked out for bleeding in my head and a blood clot to my brain which all turned out negative. On top of it, I was constantly trying to deal with insurance issues, disability issues, appointments, rude people on the other end of the phone, my computer crashing, getting what I needed medically from my health care team, the list goes on and on.

Chuck’s response to this big revelation I had last night was that of course I felt beaten down, who wouldn’t considering recent events in our lives as of late? He was not surprised by this at all. But I was. I am a fighter and I attack everything head on until I get to the other side. I know that. But as I thought about it some more, I realized that this feeling of being beaten down wasn’t about wanting to give up but rather to acknowledge and accept (there’s that word again!) where I am at during this given moment in time.

Physically my body is beaten down because it has been poked, prodded, and stuck with more needles in the past few weeks than it should ever have to see in its lifetime. It has endured countless sleepless nights and long days of appointments and tests. It is worn out. Worn out from behaving in a way it is not supposed to with its altered heart rates and blood pressures, tremors, weakness and, new pains that it is not used to. My body is trying, that is for sure. It is begging me to be good to it with the food I put in it and the care I give to the massive bruises and hematomas that litter my body from my legs to my belly to my arms. Sometimes I feel like it is screaming out to me to just stop all the invasiveness that the others inflict on it and just let it be. I want to do that; to let it be. But I tried to let my body do its own job and it could not.

My body wants to feel pretty again. Sure, I was never a supermodel to begin with and my body is actually a lot lighter than it used to be, but it does not feel pretty. It feels disfigured from the bruises and the rashes. From the hair that is starting to fall out from the steroids and the often pale, makeup less face that stares back at me in the mirror….the darkened eyes that used to be so much more vibrant. My body does not understand that it is an effort to get it clean every day right now and everything else is not as significant. Maybe that is where I go wrong because really, a little concealer is not that much effort is it? Even though I am angry at my body for betraying me so much lately, maybe seeing lighter eyes with less dark circles underneath them in the reflection of the mirror will make me less angry with my body for its obvious betrayal.

I love the Nathan’s hot dog competition. At least I am not doing this to my body!!

Feeling beaten down is not just physical but emotional and mental as well. The act of processing a lot of events while trying to maintain some shred of normalcy, routine and self respect is difficult at best. It doesn’t matter if it is related to having a chronic illness like I have or any other issues such as divorce, abuse, loss of a career, loss of a love, or loss of yourself. Fear of the unknown fills your head.

I will admit, I am scared. I am freaking scared to death. I don’t think I fully realized how much until yesterday. I am afraid of what the results from another MRI will show this week. I am scared of going for a neurological procedure (EMG) that I know for a fact will be painful. I am scared of the results; whether they will be bad or whether there will be any results at all which could help define what exactly is going on and how we are going to take care of the problem.

I am scared because I know my body is not acting right and I fear that it will not get back to where it was even just two months ago. Will I ever be able to do an activity again for more than ten or fifteen minutes without needing to sit or lie down? Will I ever be able to stoop down again without falling over or needing help to get up? Will I ever be able to shower and wash my hair again without it being this epic event that exhausts me and makes me shake? I know since I have Sjogren’s syndrome, my body will never exactly be the way it used to be, but will my body ever get back to where it was several months ago?

And as my fears consume me, I think back. To other difficult times and to all the other struggles and questions I had during those times. Maybe like we all do, I have learned from prior experiences. When I had a severe heart arrhythmia (before having surgery to correct it), I questioned if I could even get through a day without a heart episode. I questioned whether I could make it a month without an emergency room visit. When I had cancer in my mid-twenties, I questioned whether I was going be able to endure the treatments, if I was going to get married. I questioned whether or not I would live to see my twenty-fifth birthday.

All of those questions were answered. And I saw my twenty-fifth birthday, as well as my fortieth. I got through it.

So for now, I will accept the fact that it is all right to feel beaten down; to allow my body to go through that process. It means I am down, but I certainly not out.

I will have faith.
I will trust in God to see me through.

I was sitting in church this morning and looking around at the various people scattering the pews and wondering how many of them were feeling beaten down right at this moment? Or wondering how many of them had maybe felt beaten down at a different time in their lives? A time where some things did not make sense or that they felt they had endured more than their fair share of beatings so to speak. I don’t have to know all of their stories to know that those stories are there in some form or another. Tales of survival. Tales of people who became stronger and more compassionate people because of what they had to endure . Journeys that were easier than mine and definitely journeys that were more difficult than mine.

People who were beaten down but yet rose up.

Again.

And again.

And again.

Just like I will.

Photos: Courtesy of Google Images

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