For Everything There is a Season

https://paradiseperformingartscenter.com/k6ed5jo2 "In order to write about life, first you must live it." ~ Ernest Hemingway

Category: chronic illness (Page 8 of 13)

Why I Am No Longer Freaking Out Over Our Wedding

March 22, 2013 / / 8 Comments

source site Fifty-seven days until I marry the love of my life. No small feat considering over four years ago I said I was never getting married again. Ever. I would consider “living in sin”, having casual sex (sorry, mom), and/or parenting with another human being but I was never getting married again. Period.

https://onlineconferenceformusictherapy.com/2025/02/22/9pph46n I wonder if that is what everyone says when they divorce someone they cannot stand?

click Anyways, I have written about the love of my life, aka my fiancé Chuck, in the past but a brief refresher for those of you who missed it:

go to site Girl goes to church every week. Boy returns to church after a few years off. He goes every week. Girl and boy start getting to know each other at church events and become church buddies. After an entire summer of after church service conversations, boy and girl finally get their act together and go out just the two of them. Girl realizes that day that she never wants a life without him and apparently boy does not either. Much to the shock of half of western Massachusetts, girl moves in with boy after dating for only four months. An engagement follows one year later.

https://www.yolascafe.com/bmiihz53 And here I am, engagement ring, venue deposits, first pre-marital meeting with the minister and all.

https://www.mbtn.net/?p=w7m3lmuu2e But here is the secret. We struggled with getting to the point of actually having a wedding day. Why? Because I wasn’t sure I wanted a wedding. Don’t get me wrong, I was all for marrying my fiancé. Him and I making a commitment forever? Perfect. Even the possibility of one single day without him in my life was intolerable. However I was very conflicted about a wedding and my idea was to elope, preferably with our minister in tow. He wanted a big wedding. I was all for celebrating our marriage and our love with our family and friends but I had serious concerns. To start with, the actual act of marrying him was something that I did not want marred by the pomp and circumstance of the wedding industry or by all the “stuff” that can come with a wedding. I wanted the focus to be on our vows, the exchanging of our rings, and our love rather than worrying about the flowers matching the groomsman’s tux or the photographer getting the right pictures.

Buying Tramadol Online Reviews I did not want the stress of planning a wedding. I have done it before and now I have an autoimmune illness that can be seriously exacerbated by stress. The fact that I am a perfectionist at times does not help. I did not want to spend the following year to year and a half planning every detail of a day when I could be enjoying those days doing something else or spending time with him and my other loved ones. I was also afraid that we would plan this whole special day and then my illness would flare up and I would not enjoy the day or maybe not even be there.

go to link But here is the problem with all of my concerns. They were all about me, not him. Not only what I wanted, but what I could handle. I wasn’t considering what he could handle and what we could handle together. But we wanted two very different things, or so I thought. The reality was that what I thought I wanted was motivated by fear, not by my heart and he knows me well enough to know that. Despite my protests, he knew that celebrating with our family and friends and being married in our church, a place so dear to both of us, was more important to me than I was acknowledging. He knows my fears. He knows my heart.

source link After many conversations, we agreed on a compromise of a ceremony in our church and a casual BBQ wedding reception (also known as the “party”) on a different day. The separate days was Chuck’s idea as he thought it would make it more enjoyable and easier for me because of my health issues. He made me understand that the responsibility of planning this wedding would not be all on me. He wanted to be a part of every step of the process. He said it was something that we could enjoy doing together.

follow site We set two different dates for the ceremony and the reception. A few months later, which was August, one of my worse fears came true. Due to a misunderstanding, there was a huge interpersonal conflict regarding the wedding (not between Chuck and I) and I was ready to call the whole thing off. I didn’t want something that was supposed to be so special causing hard feelings between me, Chuck and any of our friends or family. There was too many sleepless nights because of it. I was starting to feel the stress of planning the wedding and it was still nine months away. I would never make it.

https://alldayelectrician.com/ar6l84z0xl7 We talked and talked. We even argued a bit which is a rare event. I was letting a conflict with someone else get in the way of our wedding. I was freaking out and worrying about details that were still months away. There was a point that Chuck even asked me if I was sure that I wanted to marry him because of how resistant I was to the actual wedding. I was heartbroken. Of course I wanted to marry him. This was a big turning point for me. I realized that there was no way we were going to make it to May unless I either called off the wedding (not the marriage) or made some serious changes. We made the changes.

http://www.mscnantes.org/0ya0ru0 The changes included mostly an attitude change on my part. I decided from that point on, that I was not going to let anything distract me from having this celebration that we both deserved. It was important to him and I knew that if I could get out of my own way, I would start looking forward to it as well. We made some simple changes to the day to make the planning easier. I developed the attitude that I didn’t care what happened. That may seem callous to many people but for someone who is a perfectionist like me, taking an “I don’t care attitude” brings me back to a average person’s level of caring. I have the focus that it is the day he will become my husband. Nothing else matters. We decided that our focus was going to be on the ceremony, our love, and the people celebrating with us. We would plan other things that we wanted for the ceremony and the party, but I wouldn’t obsess about the details. I would go with the flow. Something that I have learned from Chuck. Something that eventually may add years to my life.

see And I have gone with the flow since then and here we are, fifty-seven days away. I will admit, it has been a bit hectic lately finalizing details and such but I can sit here and honestly say that I am extremely excited about May 18th. We have been through a lot since my meltdown in August. I did get very physically sick and ended up hospitalized and Chuck’s mom passed away, fourteen weeks before our wedding date. For me, both events have made me see the importance of sharing this marriage with those in our life. Life is short and full of bad times. We have to take advantage of celebrating all that is good in this world, especially love.

Paypal Tramadol Really good things have happened in that time too. You learn a lot about person when you are planning a wedding with them. We have mastered the art of compromise. I have learned more about what makes him happy. Most importantly though, I have learned that I can put my faith in him and that he will always come through for me. My biggest fear and concern was how I was going to physically handle the planning but the fact is, I don’t have to handle all the planning. I don’t always need to be in control. We have strengthened our roles as partners. For me, the planning of this wedding has been a labor of love, faith, and trust.

https://getdarker.com/editorial/articles/uby7viuo I have also learned things about myself during this process and the experience has done a lot to change some aspects of my personality that could use some work. Such as my perfectionism and my tendency to worry about everything. I have been forced to change some of my ways in order to make room for better things. I know the big day is still fifty-seven days away but I am in a good place. My health cannot afford the luxury of worry or stress. That is not what the day is about and our love deserves better than that.

https://www.marineetstamp.com/e2fw5ikuey We had our first pre-marital meeting with our minister last week and while we were talking to him, I glanced over at my soon-to-be husband. I am not exaggerating when I say he was radiating with love. The way he looked at me reminded me of why I am so willing to compromise in the first place. The way he looked at me reminded me that I would go to the ends of the earth for him. And now that compromise is two days that I cannot wait to experience with him. His love for me and my love for him is what our wedding day is about and I cannot wait to share that with those in our lives who are so important to us.

The Smell of the Sheets

March 20, 2013 / / 10 Comments

Tramadol Ultram Online I went to lie down on a stretcher this morning and as I got comfortable on my back and waited for the radiology technician to come back in the room, I was struck by a smell. A familiar smell. One that prompted my brain to flash various images through my head, one right after the other. Images of different procedures, some painful and some not. Images of myself sitting in a hospital bed in various rooms throughout this particular hospital where I was having my test done. Images of  emergency rooms where I have sat.

https://mocicc.org/agricultura/sjkcw0q What was this smell? I finally realized, while laying on the stretcher this morning, that it was the smell of the hospital sheet covering the stretcher. All of a sudden, I realized that the smell of the hospital sheet is as commonplace to me as the smell of fresh baked cookies or bread to someone else. It is very distinct. The smell was representative of all the stretchers I have laid upon in the past several years. There are too many to count. The sheets have laid below or on top of my struggling body as I have tossed and turned in the middle of the night in my hospital room, while I have vomited on an emergency room stretcher, and while a tube has been put down my airway and into my lungs during a procedure. The smell of the sheets symbolizes my life as a patient.

here I realized as I was laying there this morning that I had not smelled the sheets in exactly three months, which is when I had my last procedure or test done, excluding laboratory tests. This particular test on this morning was an ultrasound of my kidneys and bladder and was painless, as well as easy for me. Basically a walk in the park. No needles, no gagging, no fear of the unknown, as I have encountered with so many other tests and procedures throughout the past few years. But the smell of the sheets reminds me of those times and the struggles I have had.

https://guelph-real-estate.ca/3u901an Last fall I made a very thought out decision to see a therapist/counselor who has a specialty in seeing people with chronic illness. I was at the point where I felt like I needed some help in learning how to cope with my illness and the multitude of issues surrounding being forty-one years old and disabled. I did not like the fact that my illness seemed to consume most of my conversations with my fiancé, friends, and family. I was finding it harder and harder to discuss anything else besides my symptoms, treatments, fears, and anxiety. I wanted more out of my relationships than that. Easier said than done when you have an illness that you are physically aware of almost every minute of the day. It wasn’t that I did not want to learn more about Sjogren’s, continue my book about it, or socialize with other Sjogren’s sufferers, but rather I wanted to find a way to have Sjogren’s be a part of my life instead of the focus of it.

https://www.yolascafe.com/ne2pvxl9g I was also starting to struggle with significant anxiety in relation to upcoming procedures and I was having nightmares about them as well. Not surprising considering what I have gone through in the past couple of years and even before that with my lymphoma diagnosis, both in regards to procedures and medical experiences in general. I have had incisions made in the tops of my feet and had thin wires threaded up along the lymph vessels of my legs. I have woken up during a bronchoscopy because I was not properly sedated. I have had scary experiences with my heart in the emergency room and honestly thought I was going to die. The list goes on and on.

https://danivoiceovers.com/mr9358zrcvq So I have been working diligently with this therapist. I have not mentioned, previous to this posting, this fact to many people. Actually only my fiancé, parents, and minister have known. I have not kept it to myself because I am embarrassed about seeing a therapist, but I guess I did not want people to know exactly how much I do emotionally struggle with having this illness. I want to be viewed and known as a warrior; a person who can handle all this illness business without much difficulty.

go here Yeah, I know. That’s crap. It’s the people who know they need help that are the warriors.

see I have realized recently how much working with this therapist has helped me. Many times when people have trauma issues of any type, there are certain triggers that can bring back memories and feelings surrounding the traumatic event. For me, sometimes it is the smell of the sheets. The smell that brings back those images and reminds me of the pain, fear, and uncertainty that surrounds each difficult medical event. But this morning was much different when I recognized the smell of the sheets. When the smell prompted me to play back some of the difficult procedures and medical experiences I have had, mostly over the past year, I did not have the anxiety. Rather, I remembered them just as events that took place. Events that are a part of my journey. Were the events unpleasant? Yes. But the memories no longer haunt me while I sleep.

https://getdarker.com/editorial/articles/4iwu55yop Therapy has also made a difference in my interpersonal relationships. Sjogren’s is still a part of my conversations at times. It needs to be as it is part of who I am. However I have recently found myself able to consistently focus on other aspects of my life in conversations and dealings with others. Because despite my continued physical struggles, I no longer think of myself primarily as a sick person. Instead, I think of myself as a person who has an illness. There is a huge difference. That difference actually made me realize something about one night last week. I had attended a social event with my fiancé and five friends that lasted about four hours. Not once in that time of conversing and socializing did the topic of my health come up. That is a very good thing. Not because I don’t ever want to talk about it or have people ask how I am doing but because it means that I have been able to have a life outside of Sjogren’s.

https://paradiseperformingartscenter.com/k6ed5jo2 The smell of the sheets this morning transported me back in time to my struggles, but not to my anxiety and fear. This time the smell was a strong reminder to me of my strength and my ability to endure. It reminded me that yes, I am a patient. But that is not all I am. And so I have chosen to share this experience with you. To remind you that you don’t always have to be brave and you don’t always have to be strong. It is OK to ask for help. It is OK to be human.

Low Dose Naltrexone

January 9, 2013 / / 54 Comments

follow url In my last blog entry I discussed my current experiences with an integrative medicine doctor. (Going Down the Road of Integrative Medicine). In that entry, I mentioned a new medication I was prescribed by this doctor called low dose naltrexone (LDN) and I think that it is worthy of its very own blog entry so here we go. Be forewarned, it’s a bit complicated…

https://www.mbtn.net/?p=6uxobeq0s2 Since we have the modern day miracle of Google, I am not going to spend a lot of time describing LDN and exactly how it works, but I think there are some basics that are important. Naltrexone is a medication that was created in the late 1970’s as a treatment for heroin overdose and subsequently used in larger doses (50-300 mg) to treat heroin addicts. It blocks the opiate receptors in our body, which are also found on immune system cells. The next discovery, in the 1980’s, was that naltrexone at lower doses (hence why it is called low dose naltrexone), blocks these opioid receptors and increases the endorphin levels in the body, which were noted to be low in people with autoimmune disorders as well as in many other illnesses, such as cancer and AIDS. At lower doses, such as 3-4.5 mg, the LDN blocks the opioid receptors for a short time, a few hours. Once this blockade wears off, the body responds by increasing its production of endorphins and this results in cellular changes that inhibit cell growth, inflammation reduction, and healing. It is not an immune booster or suppressor, but rather an immune regulator.

Cod Tramadol Online OK, whew. That hurt my head. I have found two books to be extremely helpful in understanding LDN. The  first is: The Promise of Low Dose Naltrexone Therapy by Elaine A. Moore and Samantha Wilkinson and also Up the Creek with a Paddle by Mary Boyle Bradley.

Tramadol Rx Purchase Now, when my integrative medicine doctor told me that he wanted me to try this medication, he did not make any promises or unrealistic claims about its effectiveness. He did refer me to the website:
http://www.lowdosenaltrexone.org/ for more information. However after scouring this website, I became skeptical about the medication. I had a hard time believing that one medication, as seemingly harmless as this one, could effectively treat all the diseases that it claimed it could: autoimmune disorders, many types of cancer, and AIDS. Because if it was that effective, why were so many people still sick? Why didn’t more doctors and patients know about it?

click here After about a month of online research and reading the above two books, I had to admit that I was very intrigued by the positive effects LDN was having on some people with autoimmune illnesses, specifically multiple sclerosis (MS). Sjogren’s syndrome and MS can share an uncanny amount of similarities in terms of symptoms and many people with Sjogren’s are originally misdiagnosed as having MS. I also read many anecdotes about the success of LDN on other autoimmune illnesses such as Crohn’s disease and rheumatoid arthritis.

https://dcinematools.com/51m2zhdv0c So WHY don’t more people know about this? Many proponents of LDN therapy claim that it is seen as an alternative therapy and that its use is not widely recognized because there is not enough clinical research done on the positive effects of the medication. There have been some small clinical trials done at a few very noteworthy medical institutions, but it has not been studied on a large scale. Why not? Well, pharmaceutical companies fund these trials and naltrexone is a generic, very inexpensive medication to produce. According to LDN proponents, there is no financial incentive. Despite the fact that this may sound like a conspiracy theory type of thing to a lot of people, with my less than favorable experiences in regards to the pharmaceutical industry, it all makes sense to me.

https://lpgventures.com/52pq16ybf As I see it, there are two issues with LDN. The first is that the one major side effect it has is insomnia. This is something I have been struggling with significantly since last Spring, possibly due to another medication called Topamax. The second issue is that because it blocks opioid receptors, you CANNOT take any narcotic pain medications while taking LDN. If you do, you have to stop the LDN. Luckily, my rheumatologist is not a big fan of using narcotics to treat Sjogren’s related pain issues and I have adverse reactions to many narcotics anyways. Because of this, I have worked hard at learning and utilizing other pain management techniques. When things are really bad, I do resort to a pain medication called Tramadol. Because of its mechanism of action, Tramadol is a centrally acting analgesic, rather than a true narcotic. However I was instructed that if I do take Tramadol, to space it four hours apart from my nightly LDN dose.

Tramadol Online Best Price LDN is routinely taken between 9pm-2am although some people say that it can be taken in the morning. However since endorphin production is highest around 2-4am, it is thought that this is the best timing for the highest effectiveness. LDN also needs to be specially compounded by a pharmacist and not every pharmacy does this. I get mine from Skip’s Pharmacy in Boca Raton, Florida. One month supply, not covered by insurance, costs me about twenty-five dollars with shipping.

http://www.mscnantes.org/3717gsjb So five weeks ago, after much trepidation and research, I decided to just go for it and I took my first dose of LDN. To begin with, the only side effect I have noticed is the insomnia and I will admit, it is pretty rough and worse than before I started the LDN. I have since weaned myself off of the Topamax, which I take for severe autoimmune related migraines, in the hopes that will help alleviate the insomnia. I already have a lot of alternative methods I use to help sleep such as meditation, herbal tea, etc. but like clockwork, I wake up between 1-2am every single night after going to bed around 10pm. Sometimes I fall back asleep and sometimes I don’t. However that all being said, I have been battling a bad viral infection this week and have been sleeping better. Not sure if that is because I am sick or not. Because sleep deprivation is a trigger for worsening of my Sjogren’s symptoms, before this week, I had been taking a sleep medication two to three times a week to help me catch up on my sleep. I was told by Skip’s that the insomnia should improve and possibly even go away within the next few weeks.

It is very hard to see a benefit from a medication like this when you have recently started other treatments as well. I started an autoimmune medication called Arava in October and an eye medication called Restasis in November. Except for a week exacerbation of joint pain on my third week of LDN, my joint pain has significantly improved and my eye doctor told me last week that my eye dryness has improved. LDN related? Possibly.

Since stopping my migraine medication, I initially had a week of migraines and they have since resolved. I am hoping it stays that way. If I continue to have a significant reduction in migraines or even complete resolution of them, I will absolutely attribute that to LDN because prior to LDN, I could not function without Topamax.

The improvement I have noticed, that I know cannot be attributed to other medication, is in my overall well being and my energy level. It is difficult to explain but does make sense considering LDN affects our endorphins. I feel more able to effectively cope with my physical symptoms when they do arise and my mood seems more stable. This is significant because I am still in the process of weaning off prednisone. There has also been a decrease in my anxiety level to the point that this week, I can say I have no anxiety at all. That is also significant as I am still waiting for some test results and this would naturally produce some anxiety for me.

At first, I did not see the improvement in my energy level. It was subtle. I also am not sure if it can be attributed to the Arava as well. Although I am still extremely fatigued by about 4-5pm each day, I have noticed that my days are becoming more productive. This is highly unusual, actually unheard of, when I am weaning off prednisone.

And that is where I am at five weeks into my LDN journey. In my head, the jury is still out as to how effective this treatment might be for me long term. I am hopeful.The signs so far are positive and I think time will tell; especially once I am completely off prednisone and hopefully the Arava as well. I also think that it is not a treatment that when used alone, will cure me. Rather, I think it is one more tool, along with exercise, supplements, diet, stress management, and multiple other modalities, that can be used in my long journey to improved health.

Going DownThe Road of Integrative Medicine

January 7, 2013 / / 6 Comments
 

“Progress always involves risks. You can’t steal second base and keep your foot on first.”~ Frederick B. Wilcox

 
 

I had been toying with the idea of seeing an integrative medicine doctor regarding my autoimmune issues for over a year. Integrative medicine takes into account the whole person and uses both conventional and alternative medicine as treatment. It focuses on body, mind, spirit, and community rather than just flesh, bones, and organs. It combines conventional medical treatment with complimentary and alternative treatments (CAM). Some of these CAM practices and treatments include dietary supplements, energy healing, clinical nutrition, and detoxification. Integrative medicine focuses on eliminating the cause of the disease rather than just managing the symptoms. Some people see integrative medicine doctors as quacks and some people view them as miracle workers. I know people who have seen them and the reviews have been mixed, although I would say I have heard more positive experiences than negative ones.

Despite the fact that the autoimmune illness I have, Sjogren’s syndrome, had been unstable for years (except with higher doses of steroids which are a nightmare to deal with), I had put off the idea of seeing an integrative medicine doctor. It wasn’t that I hadn’t dabbled in what I guess would be called alternative medicine, such as acupuncture and massage, but the idea of anything other than standard Western medicine making me healthier seemed foreign to me. Maybe that was due to the fact that I am an RN. I have been trained in traditional medicine and it is all I’ve ever known. However it was becoming clearer to me that perhaps traditional medicine alone was not going to be the answer for me. Not that I was looking for a cure mind you. I had accepted the fact that I have a lifelong chronic illness. But rather, I needed more effective tools and treatment to improve my quality of life because as it was, that quality of life seemed to be going downhill year by year.

So this past November I went in to see a doctor at Northampton Wellness Associates here in Massachusetts. The practice is a group of integrative health care practitioners. I will admit, I was skeptical but my skepticism dwindled as I spoke with my new doctor. We discussed my history and a lot of the things he said made perfect sense. For a while now, I have often wondered if my autoimmune problems were triggered by the radiation therapy I had for lymphoma in 1996. I was never a particularly sick child or teen but from 1996 on, one health problem after another crept into my life. I did not share this theory of mine with my new doctor (Dr. L) but he said the same exact thing to me. He thinks that I am genetically predisposed to an autoimmune disorder (my sixty-five year old father was recently diagnosed with one) and that the months of radiation treatments brought out the autoimmune illness. He was quick to point out that this was unavoidable. I had to have the radiation in order to save my life, but now we must also figure out the best way to deal with the end result of that possible trigger.

He also went on to explain that most of the symptoms I experience are autoimmune in nature such as my asthma, migraines, joint pain, allergies, etc. Now I had always thought this and my rheumatologist had made some associations, but the further back we looked into my adult health history, the more I realized how connected all my ailments were. Dr. L also stressed that there may be several other contributing factors to my autoimmune issues such as allergens, environment, diet. etc.

We came up with a plan. I agreed to go for allergy testing which would initially be done by blood work. He did warn me that the blood testing for allergies is not always accurate but it is the least invasive preliminary step in the allergy testing process. I ended up testing positive for two different mold allergies that are often found on certain foods and so I am now beginning to attempt to eliminate these foods. Luckily, many of them are gluten or dairy based foods, which I already have eliminated from my diet.

However my blood allergy testing also did NOT reveal a cat or dog allergy; both of which I know for a fact I have due to traditional scratch test allergy testing I had done years ago. I spoke with the allergy department at the Center and decided to continue on to the next step of intradermal allergy skin testing which I will begin next week. The intradermal skin testing is significantly more reliable.  I thought it was important because if there is any chance that allergens (especially to my dog) were contributing to my autoimmune issues, I may want to pursue non-medication treatment for it; specifically allergy injections.

Luckily, at this point, my health insurance covers a majority of the costs for Dr. L. My health insurance changed January 1st but at my November visit, I had my regular copays for the doctor visit and the blood work. I have checked with the Center regarding my new insurance which will have the same coverage as my old one, including for allergy shots if I do definitely go that route. However I am aware that there will probably be other suggested treatments that may not be covered by my insurance but my philosophy is to take that as it comes. I am also trying to look at it from the perspective that further treatment may help me eliminate some of my current prescription medication and overall health care costs (think hospitalizations and ER visits) and allow me to cut the cost of these, all of which have skyrocketed.

I made it very clear to Dr. L that I did not want to abandon my traditional treatment for the Sjogren’s at this time but yet, my goal was to eventually get off as many of my prescription medications as possible as I was on at least thirteen different prescriptions. That is a ridiculous amount of medication and I felt that I was probably having medication interactions. He was very receptive to this and said we would take it one step at a time. We would start with allergy testing, I would continue to wean off my steroids (which was my plan with my rheumatologist anyways), and he wanted me to start a new medication.

The idea of another medication surprised me coming from this type of doctor. It is called low dose naltrexone (LDN) and honestly, it is worthy of a blog entry all by itself. I had never heard of it before and it required a lot of research on my part. It is an “alternative” medication that he routinely prescribes for all of his autoimmune patients as it has been shown to have the capability to regulate the immune system and has had some good outcomes with certain autoimmune disorders. However I have only been on it for a month and am waiting a little longer to see how it continues to work out before I write that blog. The LDN can take a while to see a full effect so we agreed that we would meet again in February and see where things are at.



I liked the fact that Dr. L was treating this as a process and not overwhelming me with a million treatment options all at once because to be honest, I have seven or eight other specialists who are doing a great job at overwhelming me, no matter how unintentional it may be. I will admit, the process is very intimidating for me. I know about all things in traditional Western medicine. I know when to trust what a doctor tells me and I know when a doctor doesn’t know what he or she is talking about. As a nurse, I know about prescription medications (well except for LDN!) but not so much about supplements and herbs. It is certainly a learning process and one that I hope will prove to be beneficial.

Am I still a little skeptical? Sure. But I am also skeptical about putting toxic, possibly cancer causing drugs into my body as I have been doing. I am skeptical about dangerous side effects I may have, and have already started to have, from being on steroids the rest of my life. I am skeptical about the quality of life facing me until the day I die. So really, what do I have to lose?

Hang On As Tight As You Can

December 27, 2012 / / 3 Comments
 
 
“I’ll lean on you and you lean on me and we’ll be okay.” ~ Dave Matthews Band
 

It is the day after Christmas and I am sitting here thinking of all the blog entries I want to write. My writing has taken a nose dive recently for a variety of reasons and I can always tell when it has been far too long since I have done any writing. Whole sentences and paragraphs start to form in my head in the middle of the night when I am fighting my enemy, the evil insomnia. Or I will be having a conversation with someone and sometimes find my mind wandering to all the thoughts in my head that I want to get written down.

Today is my day to get my mind and spirit back to my passion. To be honest, over the past month or so, I have been so distracted and overwhelmed, that I couldn’t even concentrate long enough to put all of those sentences and paragraphs together. But like so many other times, it was my fiance, Chuck, who gently reminded me with one of his Christmas presents, that writing is the one of the things in this world that I need to do.

He is so good like that; paying attention to what is going on with me and supporting me. I used to worry that because of my illness, he gets the short end of the stick, having to be the strong one more often than not. We have only been together a little over two years and we have endured our share of challenges, in regards to life, my health and, as all couples do, our relationship. Usually though when some type of challenge faces one of us, the other person is in a good enough place to be a strong support. But then what do you do when:

One of you gets so sick that you are hospitalized for five days. And more testing and uncertainty follows.

One of you is having a lot of stress at work.

Your dog gets sick enough to require four vet visits in one week and multiple tests.

One of your cars breaks down.

One of you has been hurt by someone you love and trusted.

One of you is faced with the possibility of another autoimmune illness.

One of you has a sister who undergoes life changing surgery.

One of you is told that you have a growth on your gallbladder that has a remote possibility of being malignant and you have to make a decision about whether it is worth the risk of surgery.

Christmas is fast approaching.

One of you is told that your mother is dying.

And all of this happens within the time frame of one month.

So what do you do? What do you do as a couple with so little time under your belt when both of you are stressed beyond limits that you think you can handle?

They say that love conquers all but I am not sure I agree with that anymore. Rather, I think love, friendship, determination, faith, compassion, selflessness, and most of all communication conquers all. Because once you are committed to someone, experiencing crisis is no longer a solo event. You have to be able to not only support your partner in their struggles, but deal with your own feelings as well. It is easy to get caught up in your own challenge of just getting yourself through the day, but it’s no longer just “your” day. The day belongs to both of you.

I cannot speak for my fiance but for myself, in the past month, if I was trying to be there as a support for him, I rose to the occasion. Almost to an extreme. If I knew he was stressed out and then asked me how I was doing, I would sometimes downplay something going on with me. I think there is a time and place for that, depending on the seriousness of what which each person is going through, but I am here to say that for the most part, it doesn’t work well. Because he knows me so well, he then worries more. Being a martyr for your partner’s sake is not the answer. Open and honest communication is.

We are by no means on the other side of the current challenges that we face and we may not always get it right, but I can say what has worked well:

*We ask each other “how are you today?” It seems like such a basic question but if you are in a relationship, think about the last time you actually asked your partner that question.

*By sitting down together, we have learned to prioritize the most immediate needs of the week, day, and even hour. It may be him traveling to Boston Christmas morning to spend time with his mother, knowing that I physically can not make the trip that day. It could be me doing some Christmas shopping for him so that he is freed up to deal with other things.

*We make sure we connect as frequently as possible and make each other the priority right now. I will actually consciously have to stop whatever I am doing sometimes and make sure that I have not been so wrapped up in my own problems and stress that I have not made myself emotionally available. On the flip side, I will also ask him if he needs time alone.

* Make sure we laugh together every single day, at least once.

* Depend on other people. Historically, both of us are terrible at this and the events of the past month have taught us that not only is it okay to ask for help, but that you also need to know who you can depend on for help. Especially when you need a listening ear. One human being cannot be all things to another.

Finally, and maybe most importantly, we hang onto each other as tight as we can.

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