For Everything There is a Season

"In order to write about life, first you must live it." ~ Ernest Hemingway

Category: friendship (Page 2 of 3)

Thoughts on Friendship

August 9, 2011 / / 3 Comments

“Life is partly what we make it, and partly what it is made by the friends we choose.” ~ Tennessee Williams





I have spent way too much time over the past two days trying to write a very poetic essay about the things I have learned about the topic of friendship. And then I realized it sucked. I am guessing it was because I was trying too hard. This is my revised essay because well, it’s better than not writing anything…

Ten years ago, my life revolved around my partner. Now my life revolves around my friends, family, AND my partner…

When it comes to friendship, always chose quality or quantity…

I remember the day I went to court to finalize my divorce, Nicole left her two young children with her mother and made the almost three hour round trip to meet me after court so I wouldn’t be alone…

It’s awesome to have friends that you are so close to that you can call then in the middle of the night about anything. But it’s also nice to have acquaintance friends. You know, the ones that with whom the deepest topic you delve into is about your concern over how your dog’s poop looks…

Becoming friends with someone is risky business. You’re putting yourself out there after all. Have a little faith and let down your guard…

We are not meant to go through this life alone…

Friendships nurture us. They can double your fun and halve your grief. I am not even sure that is grammatically correct, but you get the idea…

I remember Jen coming to my apartment and stocking my refrigerator as well as turning on my air conditioner in preparation for me returning from a very difficult hospital stay…

To truly be a good friend requires stepping outside of yourself even when it is not convenient for you. Even when all you want to do is take a hot shower and get into bed…

I remember when in the same weekend, my marriage began a rapid decline and my grandmother died, Steve drove two hours each way to come to my grandmother’s wake. He was the light in a very dark tunnel…

Social media is a wonderful tool for staying connected with friends. But nothing beats sitting across from an old friend at a table with a glass of wine and laughing about the good old days….like that time you wet yourself because you were drunk and trying to go to the bathroom in the woods. Not that I know anyone who did that…

I remember the evening that Tina and Lauren ran over from their dorm at UMASS after I called them hysterically crying because my dad told me my forty-four year old mother had ovarian cancer…

Don’t make toxic friends (please refer to previous blog entry: Warning: Toxic!). I know this can sometimes be tricky to figure out early on, but be on the lookout. If every single conversation reverts back to them or they constantly suck the life out of you, time to run for the hills…

Being a good friend is much more important than just having one. Thank god I have a few who taught me how to do it right…

In honor of those who hold our hand, dry our tears, refill our beer glasses, and drive us home to keep us from acquiring an arrest record, please consider taking a moment to share a memory of something special or significant a friend did for you.

Bloodless Family

June 27, 2011 / / 5 Comments

“It is not flesh and blood but the heart which makes us fathers and sons.” ~ Johann Schiller

“What greater thing is there for human souls than to feel that they are joined for life – to be with each other in silent unspeakable memories.” ~ George Eliot

Family: a group of people united by certain convictions or a common affiliation: fellowship
This is definition number three out of eight listed by Merriam-Webster dictionary when you look up the word family. It does not say anything about blood ties or living under the same roof. To me, it is a simple and yet powerful definition of the word family; one that has resonated with me not only through this past weekend, but gradually over the past several years or so.
That which constitutes a family unit has drastically changed since I was growing up. Luckily for society, a family no longer has to be comprised of a husband, wife, and 2.2 biological kids; accompanied by Fido or Kitty. Rather, we have additional constellations of all sorts: two women, two women with children, two men, two men with children, widows with children, women with pets, men with pets, and on and on. We have step-parents, step-children, boyfriends with children, girlfriends with children, as well as multiple generations; some even being crazy enough to all live under the same roof!
I love though that Merriam-Webster has put into words another definition of family that is not stereotypical and that is: people united by a certain conviction or common affiliation. I have that. See, because in addition to a loving biological family as well as a loving “inherited” one, I also get to have a church family. I have been a member of the Belchertown United Church of Christ in Massachusetts for several years now, a place by all definition of the word is like home to me. Sure, we are not bound by the ties of blood but we are bound by those things which I think is just as powerful and that is our God, our hearts, and our fellowship.
That was strikingly apparent to me this past weekend. I made a joke to a friend of mine from church when I saw her last evening about how I see her more lately than my own family; meaning of course my biological family. It had been a weekend filled with activity for three days with various members of my church family. We spent time together at the annual Relay for Life, Sunday morning church service, and choir rehearsal. However for me, the highlight was that some of us were blessed enough to witness two of our own get married. That is what really got me thinking about this whole church family thing on an entirely different level.
Meghan and Scott have been members in our church for a while now and since we have become friends gradually during that time, I knew their wedding day would be special. However, I was not quite prepared for the emotion I felt as Meghan stood at the head of the church aisle with those two large church doors opened. We have watched them grow in their relationship with each other and with us during part of their courtship and engagement, so one could not help but have those feelings of pride and love as they took that gigantic step towards starting a new life together. There is something to be said for watching those from your own family take on something as powerful and significant as the leap of faith that is required to enter into a marriage.
That’s how it is there. As a church family, we get to be part of those silent unspeakable moments that George Eliot so eloquently describes above. Sometimes those moments are not always as joyful as the wedding was. In addition to this celebration, we have also had several funerals recently within the past six months. We have had some of our family members fall ill or ones who have sent their relatives to war in the Middle East. We have worked together to assist tornado victims in surrounding communities. Both joyful and sad, these unspeakable moments connect us with God and with each other.

Like all families, this one is not perfect. We disagree when we don’t see eye to eye with one another. That is what happens when you get one hundred plus people in the same family! Like all families, feelings can get hurt because people are just that, people. They have stress and personal issues.  We each have different experiences with one another and the nature of our individual bond with each person in the family is different. When you think about it, that doesn’t make it different than any other family. I am definitely closer to some members of my biological family compared to others. In my church family, we have probably one of the most diverse groups of people I have ever seen in a church and each of those people is unique with their own special talents, abilities, emotional baggage and imperfections. That has been one of the greatest learning experiences for me with this family: learning to be connected and stay connected despite people’s flaws as well as learning to resolve differences and occasionally conflict.

As I get older and maybe just perhaps a little more mature, I have learned that at the end of the day, it is not about the size of your home, how much overtime money you earned that year, or where you vacationed to that summer. Life is about people and relationships. It’s about connecting with others and forming loving relationships that sustain and nourish you. It’s about cultivating family, regardless of what your definition for that may be. I know for me personally, that no matter where my life’s journey takes me, I will always have a family at the Belchertown United Church of Christ that I am connected with both in my heart and through God. And once again, for that, I am quite grateful.

 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
Photos: Courtesy of Chuck Myers

Warning: Toxic!

June 21, 2011 / / 11 Comments
“Some of the biggest challenges in relationships come from the fact that most people enter a relationship in order to get something: they’re trying to find someone who’s going to make them feel good. In reality, the only way a relationship will last is if you see your relationship as a place that you go to give, and not a place that you go to take.” ~ Anthony Robbins

Debbie Downer…Judgmental Jims…Disrespectful Dannys…Neverenough Nellies…Insincere Illissas…Dream Killing Keiths…Narcissistic Nancy…Manipulative Mary. These are the buzz words you find online now to describe what is otherwise known as toxic personalities. I am not going to go into a lengthy description of each because well, my readers are very capable of doing that on their own and besides, most of them are self-explanatory. For example, a description of person who is considered a “Narcissistic Nancy” is someone who feels that the world revolves around them. They cannot see outside themselves and make that fact pretty darn well known. The end result is that they leave you feeling pretty drained and wanting to run away screaming…as fast as you can!

Let’s face it. We all know someone who has a toxic personality so to speak. Most of us are even involved in some type of relationship with someone like that. It is a topic that I have been wanting to write about for some time but I am always hesitant. Why? Because first, I seem to struggle a lot lately with what kind of topics to blog on. I have so much that I want to write about, especially about relationships, but I walk a fine line between writing how/what I want and respecting people’s privacy. Also, I am not big on the idea of someone sitting there wondering if something I am discussing is about them because most likely it is not. However in order to be the type of writer I want to be, I have to write with honesty, emotion, and integrity.

Second, my hesitancy has been over the phrase “toxic people” because it tends to put people into little boxes or compartments and that is not how relationships work. They are messy and complicated. They are grey, rather than black and white.  I have found over the past several years that the more I put myself out there in the world, the more complicated developing and maintaining relationships becomes. People are so complex; in good ways and in bad. I am not talking only about relationships and toxic people (I will keep using that phrase just for an easy reference) in the romantic sense; but in the context of all our relationships whether they are with family members, co-workers, or friends.

During the time I separated and subsequently divorced from my ex-husband I pretty much figured well, that is that. All the emotional drama is going to go away. What I came to realize though is that I have a habit of developing toxic relationships of all forms. I think this is true for many of us. By saying this I don’t want to imply that I am somehow a blameless innocent victim because really, when a person is involved with another person that is considered toxic, we feed into it. We allow people with toxic personalities to have control over us when all we want to do is to tell them to stop draining the life out of us!
In my opinion, those with toxic personalities aren’t necessarily “bad” people. I think at one time or another, many of us have displayed the traits of a toxic personality like I mentioned above. Truth be told, I know I have. There have been times in my life that I have probably unintentionally drained the living hell out of certain people I am close to in my life. Maybe you can call it being needy; maybe you can call it being toxic. Maybe those people would say otherwise, who knows. I do know for a fact that looking back, I know a time when I might have been considered toxic to a very close friend of mine. She and I have been friends for about 10-11 years now and there were YEARS that she gave and gave to me, expecting nothing in return. I tried to be as good a friend to her as she was to me during those years but reality was, I couldn’t at the time. I don’t think it made me a bad person, just not a very good friend. She stuck with me though and I hope that now, I can do our friendship the justice that it so richly deserves.

Toxic relationships do not necessarily have to be overt such as with physical or verbal abuse. There is no clearly defined definition for a toxic person or relationship so I would like to offer up my own definition of a toxic person in one’s life. It is someone who drains you on a consistent basis; the key word here being consistent. We all go through difficult times when we need support and friends on a daily, if not hourly basis. Some people who are toxic though always take and rarely give. Others are possessive and behave in a passive-aggressive manner when you choose to spend time with someone else. Another example might be a friend saying something to embarrass you in front of a group of people, disguising it as a joke. Or someone who is constantly criticizing you or your choices. Yes, we are all responsible for how we let other people affect us with their words or behavior but to me, a toxic person is someone who on a regular basis just makes us feel bad. It’s that simple. I am not even sure that it matters whether you are an oversensitive person (like myself) or someone who tends to overanalyze things and not lightheartedly take a joke. If being around someone consistently makes you feel bad about yourself, them, or the world in general, you’ve got a problem on your hands.
So OK, what do you do about it then? Well, there are all kinds of philosophies about how to handle toxic people and relationships. Some people say just get the heck out of the relationship which sometimes may be necessary and sometimes not always possible. I am definitely not a shrink, but I say the best way to approach these types of relationships is to take control and own it. Inundate them with positivity when they are negative. Give the relationship some distance for a while. Talk to them; maybe they are not fully aware of their behavior and how it affects others. Confront the behavior directly in a calm and rational manner. Don’t feed into it especially when the behavior revolves around constant gossiping or complaining; negativity breeds negativity. Be the person to break the cycle. Be proactive in who you spend your time with to avoid getting yourself into a toxic relationship to begin with.

I can honestly say that the amount of toxicity in my life is the least it has been in a very very long time. This is not by chance. It requires a lot of work and thought. It has resulted in a lot of tears as well. I have had to reevaluate a lot of my interactions with those around me and just as importantly, my own behavior in order to develop and sustain all types of relationships that are nourishing, whole, and healthy. Because in the end, that is what we all deserve.
                                                                           Photo Courtesy Google Images

To My Friend

December 17, 2010 / / 2 Comments

You know it is never good news when your phone rings twice at 8am in the morning. As I heard Todd’s voice, I knew something bad had happened, but I never would have thought that the news was that you had left us so suddenly. How can that be? I never got to say good bye…I never got to thank you.

I am so sad. Yes, I am sad for my own loss but even more so, I am so sad for Harry, Aaron, and Chris. I am sad for your Twisted Sisters Jen and Mary. I am sad for all the clients you touched through your work as a caregiver. I am sad for our congregation. I am sad that we will not get to sing together at the Cantata this Sunday. You were always giving so much to other people. You are so loved my friend.
You were one of the first people from church to befriend me and welcome me into your home. You and Harry welcomed me into your family and I so enjoyed the cookouts, the dinners out, and watching football in your living room. I enjoyed our chats. Thank you for making me feel welcome.
Thank you for encouraging me to try and sing in the choir. Despite all the difficulties with my breathing and my voice, you encouraged me to sing the best I could, when I could. I will never forget the smile you gave me when you saw how overjoyed I was at choir rehearsal that Sunday night after singing with all of you. You told me that you understood how joyous I felt because that was what singing did for you. It was your legacy. The support and encouragement you gave me was your gift to me so thank you. Every time I sing in church, I will be singing for you as well.
These are all the words I have right now my friend. We will gather together to pray for and support your family. We will gather together to sing in your name. We will gather together to share memories, grieve our loss, and celebrate your life. And until we meet again…

One Year Later

August 2, 2010 / / 0 Comments

“Whenever you see darkness, there is extraordinary opportunity for the light to burn brighter.” ~ Bono

Oftentimes, people mark certain changes in their lives by particular dates. There are the usual suspects such as wedding dates, birthdays, and such. Then there are the not so usual ones. I realized while I was driving today that it is August 2nd therefore making yesterday August 1st. I know, my ability for basic math is astounding. I tend to remember dates in which something significant has happened to me, and yesterday it was one year since I moved out of my house and into my apartment. That may not be significant to you, but for me it was the beginning of what I hoped to be a new start, a fresh beginning you could say.

I find this ironic because I am thinking that the significant date should be the day I went to court for my divorce (yes, I am in the 50% failure rate), the date it was final, or even the date when I decided to actually file for divorce. But no, August 1st sticks out in my head. My ex- husband and I had been living together (but separated…it was a large house) for 11, count them 11, months. There were financial reasons why we did this and even though it was one of the most ridiculous things I have ever done, I am grateful today that I did it. To our credit, we got through it, we sold our house for a profit in one of the worst housing markets in the history of the United States, and we both lived to tell the tale. Barely.

This is not supposed to be a story though about divorce. It is a story about new beginnings and the tremendous amount of personal growth that can come from them. For me, the new beginning was the move. It gave me a chance (especially with being out of work) to spend a lot of time by myself and to learn who I am all over again. I had always been relatively independent, but now I had the space to breathe and to discover myself again. Some of what I learned was great and some well, not so pretty you could say. The good part though was that at least I learned something. Come to think of it, I learned more than something. Seriously, I think I should get the personal growth award for the past year.

So what have I learned? Well, I guess the most important thing that I have learned is that I can survive. Yes that means physically and financially, but mostly it means emotionally. I can survive major life crises (several happened last year) and actually survive them with dignity and a sense of humor. I have learned how to be selfish when I need to be and more giving when I don’t want to be. I have learned to not apologize for who I am and instead embrace my uniqueness. I have learned the difference between being alone versus being lonely. Trust me, there is a huge difference. I spend a lot of time alone and very little time feeling lonely. I have learned to define myself by who I am and not the relationship that I am in. Probably one of the most disturbing things to me that I have learned is that I am attracted to/get involved with the wrong kind of man (meaning in a relationship- I have great male friends)…you know, the emotionally unavailable one. That is not good, really not good. And to think, I figured that one out all on my own. Hopefully that little nugget of discovery will keep me from repeating the same mistakes for the rest of my life!

On a lighter side, I have learned about ladybug infestations, dealing with household mice, coping without water the day before Thanksgiving dinner, removing a tick (MAJOR phobia), landscaping, car maintenance/repair, and the best way to get dog vomit out of a rug. It is amazing what you can convince yourself to do when there is no one else around to help you do it!

So I guess you could say all in all, it was quite a productive year since the big move. My original goal was to get through the year post move/divorce without complete financial ruin or a complete breakdown (mostly kidding!) and I can now sit back and say I have done that and so much more.

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