For Everything There is a Season

"In order to write about life, first you must live it." ~ Ernest Hemingway

Category: Guillan-Barre

Trusting My Body Again

April 12, 2012 / / 12 Comments

“Movement is a medicine for creating change in a person’s physical, emotional, and mental states”. ~ Carol Welch

It is two o’clock in the morning and I have to go to the bathroom. I try to get out of the bed and realize that I cannot physically get my body to sit up. I am too weak and don’t have the strength to even get myself to the edge of the bed. I wake up my fiance, who was probably half awake anyways, so he can help me get out of the bed just to use the bathroom. I am frustrated and scared.

Three months go by.

It is eight o’clock in the morning and I am staring down a very large machine called a cross trainer. Seems like the biggest bang for my buck as it will give me a good cardiovascular work out with minimal impact on the already painful parts of my body. I expect to last three minutes on it. I start and my legs and arms just keep going and going. I am on it for twenty-five minutes. I am exhilarated.

I have won.

I found out three months ago that in addition to having Sjogren’s syndrome, I was afflicted with a neurological disorder called Guillain-Barre, which was causing severe body weakness, difficulty walking, and severe pain to the point that I wished I was dead. Even the simplest of tasks was difficult. Guillain-Barre arrives like a freight train, does its damage, and leaves. I was extremely lucky that I had a milder version of it and was started on steroids relatively quickly which may have lessened the blow of the illness. I was never completely paralyzed and did not end up on a ventilator like some people do. I still count my blessings every day about that.

I have been working my tail off ever since January to get better. I already had several strikes against me due to the Sjogren’s syndrome and the Guillain-Barre, along with some blood clots in my lungs; all of which presented more obstacles in my recovery than I knew what to do with. Physical therapy was, and sometimes still is, brutal and exhausting. In addition to all the previously mentioned diagnoses, I was also diagnosed with occipital neuralgia in February. This has resulted in severe head pain and headaches. Yet another obstacle. Or an excuse, depending on how you want to look at it.

But even on my worse days, I stuck with the physical therapy and as the weeks progressed, I started to notice a significant improvement in my strength. I no longer fell over when I crouched down to get a pot or pan out of the lower kitchen cabinet. I could lift a plant above my head again. Taking a shower was a routine task again although I must admit, I don’t take my ability to do that for granted anymore. Come to think of it, I don’t take my ability to do anything physical for granted anymore.

My most recent goal in physical therapy, besides getting the occipital neuralgia under control, was to get back into the gym. I was exercising in one way or another before this whole fiasco began in January which to be honest, is no small feat because of the Sjogren’s syndrome. I am frequently plagued by joint pain, muscle pain, neurological pain, breathing difficulties, and the list goes on and on. Some days I would go to the gym and some days I would take a walk with my dog. I was usually not exercising to the point of winning any marathons, but I have found that pushing myself to get physical activity whenever possible has been helpful with my Sjogren’s symptoms; provided that I do it within reason. Not to mention all the other excellent health benefits.

I had been going to a Planet Fitness in town and had decided that instead of renewing my membership there, I was going to try a different gym that had a pool. My reason for this was that my Sjogren’s issues were occurring more frequently and if I had access to a pool, I may be able to get exercise in the pool on days that I would typically be too sick to exercise. It would be less impact on my joints. Problem was, I was hit with the Guillain-Barre before I had the chance to join this new gym. I was recently cleared by my physical therapist to get back to the gym. Unfortunately I had a fall three weeks ago and still have an open wound which will keep me out of the pool right now, but there were so many other things I could do at the gym besides swim.

If I could just get the courage to go.

Here’s the thing: I was scared. I felt comfortable at my old gym. It was simple and familiar. There has been so much upheaval in my life over the past few months with my health and I find that I am not quite as open to change and new surroundings as I was once. I feel more vulnerable. I feel the need to protect myself. I have always been self conscious about how I look and gyms have always been intimidating to me; especially one like this that is not simply laid out and where I do not know anyone. All of a sudden I felt very insecure about this new place with its different machines, new classes, and unfamiliar rules. It was my insecurity at its finest you could say.

Today was the day to just do it. I was hesitant at first because I was having more joint and muscle pain than in past weeks and my head was acting up after the physical therapist worked on it extensively yesterday. But I had previously chosen today to start going because except for some blood work, I had no doctor appointments or other pressing commitments that I could not get out of if I had to. So if I was down for the count afterwards, so be it!

No excuses.

And guess what?

I loved it.

When I got to the gym this morning, I asked about signing up for their free two session orientation and the staff person that was working the desk, Tom, talked to me about what I specifically wanted help with. This of course led to a conversation about my physical therapy, why I was doing it, my diagnosis etc. He immediately put me at ease and gave me a lot of various ideas about different work outs, especially in regards to classes and the pool. All of a sudden, I didn’t feel so overwhelmed. I felt like this was doable. I felt more secure.

I decided that today I was going to do my physical therapy exercises at the gym instead of at home and get an aerobic workout as well. I spotted the cross trainer, which is similar to an elliptical but looked more difficult as there was an incline. I liked the fact that it overlooked the pool area where I could observe a water aerobics class while I was working out. Besides some walking with my dog over the past week, I have not had any aerobic activity since maybe around Christmas and I anticipated that I would be starting from square one again. I jokingly told Tom that if I lasted three minutes without keeling over, that would be sufficient and I would move on to a bike or a treadmill, both of which had a lesser chance of making me pass out. We figured out, based on my age and recent physical issues, that my maximum heart rate should be around 140.

I don’t know what the deal was, but I was on that thing for twenty-five minutes. Granted the machine was at the easiest incline and resistance, but who cares?? Maybe it was all those physical therapy sessions or hours and hours of doing exercises in my living room. Maybe three months on a new eating plan has helped. Who knows. I was surprised at how much endurance I had and how well I did cardiovascular wise. Not that it was easy, but I got through the twenty-five minutes unscathed. After so many long months of being in bed or on the couch, it felt so good to be sweating and to be able feel my heart pumping so fast again.

It felt good to be out of the house.

To be having fun.

To be able to out one foot in front of the another.

To trust my body not to fall apart.

I know that this morning’s work out will probably wipe me out this evening and maybe even the next several days to come. There will be Motrin involved, maybe some stronger pain medication if I am desperate. Hot packs will once again be my new best friend. I also know that due to the Sjogren’s syndrome, exercising of any type will always be a constant battle for me; probably one that I will have to deal with every single day of my life. But for today, I feel like I can say that I have conquered yet one more obstacle on my path to wellness and healing.

And you know what?

It feels pretty amazing.

Photos Courtesy of Google Images

Eight Weeks Later – The Nutritional Odyssey Continues….

March 12, 2012 / / 5 Comments
“Let food be thy medicine, thy medicine shall be thy food.” ~ Hippocrates

Eight weeks later I am still following a nutrition plan that I began January 18, 2012. A lot has happened to me in those eight weeks, both in terms of the eating plan and in regards to my Sjogren’s syndrome. The Sjogren’s syndrome, an autoimmune disorder, has been the catalyst for drastically changing how I eat in the first place.

I have written two previous blog entries on the topic which can be found by following these two links so hopefully I am not repeating myself too much:

Nutritional Healing
Nutritional Healing Update

I started eating this way after hours and days of research in a desperate attempt to try and contribute to controlling my symptoms as my Sjogren’s symptoms were worsening relatively rapidly. I have a history of lousy nutrition and being overweight and since my first autoimmune symptoms in December 2007, not one physician has suggested that I do any dietary changes in an attempt to help alleviate my symptoms. Of course nutrition research is not funded because it is not profitable so there is a scant amount of true research information out in the medical community about the positive effects of diet on autoimmune disorders. However I read enough patient stories and experiences to know it was something I had to try and if it didn’t help my Sjogren’s, it sure as heck was going to help the rest of me.

People have been asking me if I have noticed an improvement in my Sjogren’s symptoms with this new way of eating which is gluten and dairy-fee, semi vegetarian, reduced sugar, reduced processed foods, no fast food, whole foods, no soda or caffeine. The answer is:

I cannot say with any certainty.

The same time I started my eating plan, I started on large doses of steroids for neurological issues, was diagnosed with two blood clots in my lungs, and received a diagnosis of another autoimmune disorder called Guillain-Barre. My body has been a huge deposit for steroids, blood thinners, and multiple other medications I am not accustomed to taking. I think that as I wean off the steroids and recover fully from the Guillain-Barre (which I absolutely will), the answer to this question will be more clear.

What I can say is that until my last steroid infusion, I was tolerating some of the side effects better than usual, my periods have been more tolerable, cravings for high fat and sugar laden foods have diminished dramatically. I feel much more in control, with a few exceptions, of my eating. Until my last infusion last week, which was the fourth in six weeks, and in addition to oral steroids everyday at home, I had lost weight. This last infusion killed me in terms of fluid retention, gaining some weight (which has already started to come off), drastic mood swings, heart issues, etc. In regards to non autoimmune issues, my lipid profile (which includes cholesterol, LDL, HDL) is the best it has ever been; very close to perfectly normal and my blood sugar is perfect. Very important since I come from a family history of heart disease and diabetes.

So time will tell. After doing some research, I also learned that it can take several months to notice a positive effect and I am in this for the long haul.

I can honestly say that to the best of my knowledge, I have been on plan with the exception of one time and that demonstrated some proof that I am on to something. After a horrendous appointment with my neurologist last month, I was driving home by myself and was very upset. So how did I deal with that? Burger King drive through of course. The whole works: double cheeseburger, fries, and a Coke. I had not had any Sjogren’s related joint pain in quite a while because of the steroids and sure enough, the next day I woke up so stiff and arthritic that I actually questioned if they gave me the right medicine, steroids, at my last infusion a few days prior. Of course they did. It was the food. I am certain of it.

I wish I could say it has been an easy journey but it has been challenging at times. The learning process, shopping more often, cooking all the time and such really can take a toll on me when I am not physically feeling well; especially with all the neurological issues I have had. Not to mention the physical therapy, doctor’s appointments, etc. However this has just meant that I have to ask for help when I am REALLY sick and that I have to plan and prioritize when I am able to do more for myself. For example, yesterday I spent time going through cookbooks, planning meals, and making a shopping list so that I can decrease my trips to the store. I only have so much energy to use in my day and it is limited lately but the food part HAS to be a priority.

My other challenge has been eating out and eating at other people’s homes. Because in reality, the rest of the world is not eating exactly like me although for the life of me, I cannot imagine why. Eating out has gotten easier and I have found a few restaurants that are very accommodating to my needs. They include places Red Robin, Pizzeria Unos, The Roadhouse, which is a local joint in my town, and a slew of independently owned restaurants in some nearby towns. I am finding that gluten-free is not as big a deal as finding a place that provides gluten AND dairy free options. I am hoping that as awareness of food allergies catches on more, there will be more options available so I can visit some of my old favorite haunts such as Kristina’s and the Hanger (both local places as well) once in a while.

My experience with eating at other people’s homes and social functions has been limited because of my health lately but I was at a family function this past weekend that was challenging, VERY challenging. But I did it. I knew there was going to be pizza, birthday cake, etc. So I brought my own supper and a low sugar, gluten/dairy-free dessert and thought how awesome it was that I was so prepared.

Yeah, not so much.

Pizza is my favorite food in the world and the aroma of the pepperoni soaked pie almost did me in. Plus I was all messed up from the steroids. I wanted to dive into that box head first or at the very least, take it and run like hell. So one might ask, why deprive yourself? What is the big deal about a slice or two of pizza? The big deal is that gluten and dairy can do damage to your intestines that you may not even know about and set you back god knows how long. It is not like a traditional diet where you give in to your craving and move on, compensating for it later. At least not that I know of and I wasn’t willing to risk all that hard work. I left that evening pizza free. And you can bet I will be making an awesome gluten and dairy-free pizza for Chuck and I sometime this week.

I have also found it very helpful to be prepared for travel such as for doctor appointments and long days. I bought a lunch box, a bunch of food containers, ice packs, etc. When you have what you can eat right at your disposal, it makes a huge difference when you come across a hospital coffee shop that literally only has a bag of peanuts and a bruised apple to choose from while you wait an extra hour to see your doctor!

So these have been some of the challenges in my new found way of eating. There have been a lot of blessings though as well. To start with, I have found a love of cooking that I never knew I had. And to be honest, I am kind of good at it! I am not the most creative cook so I rely a lot on some really great cookbooks I have found. However slowly but surely, I am learning to make some things without a recipe and discovering a culinary world I never knew existed. It makes me feel good to create something with my own hands that is healthy and nutritious for my body. Yes, there are occasions that I resort to a gluten/dairy-free processed meal that some factory made for me but I feel no guilt about that because it is so infrequent.

I also enjoy the challenge of creating dishes and meals that are not only on plan, but also taste fantastic. I appreciate food now more than ever because I actually taste the FOOD itself; imagine that! I also find that I am starting to look forward to certain healthy foods such as kale, black eyed peas, and quinoa, rather that Chef Boyardee ravioli or fast food.

I never want to be one of those people who runs around saying how their lifestyle is the only way to go; whether it be in regards to food, exercise, or anything else. But I will continue to let people know how it is going and share information. Not just because I happen to have this autoimmune disorder, but because the fact is, the typical American diet is lethal and the incidence of obesity and weight related health issues in this country is off the charts. We are so obsessed with losing weight that we don’t stop to think about being healthy. That should be the goal.

Sometimes all it takes is a small change. Eat a vegetable every day. Pass on the fried appetizer. I started this way of eating plan eight weeks ago but reality is, the process started for me a year ago when I drank my first green smoothie in an effort to get more greens into my body.

A whole year ago.

Who knows where I, or you, can be a year from now….

Photos: Courtesy of Google Images

Beaten Down and Other Musings

February 26, 2012 / / 11 Comments
Fall seven times, stand up eight. ~Japanese Proverb

I know “beaten down” seems like a depressing entry for a blog title. And I also know that it is difficult for some of the people in my life, either who read my blog or follow me on Facebook, to read an onslaught of negative thoughts about what is going on with my medical issues. Heck, it is hard for ME to be in my own head sometimes lately or even to read a lot of negative thoughts on Facebook pages such as the Sjogren’s syndrome one that I follow. But I have promised myself to start being more honest in not only my writing, but also in my interactions with other people. So here we are. The thing is: when I write and am able to process my thoughts, my alter ego, the much stronger one also known as “the optimist” usually finds her way out. Bear with me.

Just as Chuck and I were starting to watch a movie at home last night, I leaned over to him and said “I just feel beaten down.” I wasn’t sure really what my problem was. My mood swings from the steroids had lessened just enough to make me think that I will make it through this course of treatment without continuing to cry or wanting to kill someone several times a day.

Not even joking about that one. I cannot believe people actually take that stuff for a non-medical reason!

But I had not been feeling like myself all day and feeling well, beaten down; maybe even overwhelmed from trying to process all the events of the past few weeks. After all, I had been diagnosed with two blood clots in my lungs, Guillain-Barre syndrome, and had a recent and exhausting trip to the emergency room just two days prior with severe head pain, nausea, and increased tremors. I was checked out for bleeding in my head and a blood clot to my brain which all turned out negative. On top of it, I was constantly trying to deal with insurance issues, disability issues, appointments, rude people on the other end of the phone, my computer crashing, getting what I needed medically from my health care team, the list goes on and on.

Chuck’s response to this big revelation I had last night was that of course I felt beaten down, who wouldn’t considering recent events in our lives as of late? He was not surprised by this at all. But I was. I am a fighter and I attack everything head on until I get to the other side. I know that. But as I thought about it some more, I realized that this feeling of being beaten down wasn’t about wanting to give up but rather to acknowledge and accept (there’s that word again!) where I am at during this given moment in time.

Physically my body is beaten down because it has been poked, prodded, and stuck with more needles in the past few weeks than it should ever have to see in its lifetime. It has endured countless sleepless nights and long days of appointments and tests. It is worn out. Worn out from behaving in a way it is not supposed to with its altered heart rates and blood pressures, tremors, weakness and, new pains that it is not used to. My body is trying, that is for sure. It is begging me to be good to it with the food I put in it and the care I give to the massive bruises and hematomas that litter my body from my legs to my belly to my arms. Sometimes I feel like it is screaming out to me to just stop all the invasiveness that the others inflict on it and just let it be. I want to do that; to let it be. But I tried to let my body do its own job and it could not.

My body wants to feel pretty again. Sure, I was never a supermodel to begin with and my body is actually a lot lighter than it used to be, but it does not feel pretty. It feels disfigured from the bruises and the rashes. From the hair that is starting to fall out from the steroids and the often pale, makeup less face that stares back at me in the mirror….the darkened eyes that used to be so much more vibrant. My body does not understand that it is an effort to get it clean every day right now and everything else is not as significant. Maybe that is where I go wrong because really, a little concealer is not that much effort is it? Even though I am angry at my body for betraying me so much lately, maybe seeing lighter eyes with less dark circles underneath them in the reflection of the mirror will make me less angry with my body for its obvious betrayal.

I love the Nathan’s hot dog competition. At least I am not doing this to my body!!

Feeling beaten down is not just physical but emotional and mental as well. The act of processing a lot of events while trying to maintain some shred of normalcy, routine and self respect is difficult at best. It doesn’t matter if it is related to having a chronic illness like I have or any other issues such as divorce, abuse, loss of a career, loss of a love, or loss of yourself. Fear of the unknown fills your head.

I will admit, I am scared. I am freaking scared to death. I don’t think I fully realized how much until yesterday. I am afraid of what the results from another MRI will show this week. I am scared of going for a neurological procedure (EMG) that I know for a fact will be painful. I am scared of the results; whether they will be bad or whether there will be any results at all which could help define what exactly is going on and how we are going to take care of the problem.

I am scared because I know my body is not acting right and I fear that it will not get back to where it was even just two months ago. Will I ever be able to do an activity again for more than ten or fifteen minutes without needing to sit or lie down? Will I ever be able to stoop down again without falling over or needing help to get up? Will I ever be able to shower and wash my hair again without it being this epic event that exhausts me and makes me shake? I know since I have Sjogren’s syndrome, my body will never exactly be the way it used to be, but will my body ever get back to where it was several months ago?

And as my fears consume me, I think back. To other difficult times and to all the other struggles and questions I had during those times. Maybe like we all do, I have learned from prior experiences. When I had a severe heart arrhythmia (before having surgery to correct it), I questioned if I could even get through a day without a heart episode. I questioned whether I could make it a month without an emergency room visit. When I had cancer in my mid-twenties, I questioned whether I was going be able to endure the treatments, if I was going to get married. I questioned whether or not I would live to see my twenty-fifth birthday.

All of those questions were answered. And I saw my twenty-fifth birthday, as well as my fortieth. I got through it.

So for now, I will accept the fact that it is all right to feel beaten down; to allow my body to go through that process. It means I am down, but I certainly not out.

I will have faith.
I will trust in God to see me through.

I was sitting in church this morning and looking around at the various people scattering the pews and wondering how many of them were feeling beaten down right at this moment? Or wondering how many of them had maybe felt beaten down at a different time in their lives? A time where some things did not make sense or that they felt they had endured more than their fair share of beatings so to speak. I don’t have to know all of their stories to know that those stories are there in some form or another. Tales of survival. Tales of people who became stronger and more compassionate people because of what they had to endure . Journeys that were easier than mine and definitely journeys that were more difficult than mine.

People who were beaten down but yet rose up.

Again.

And again.

And again.

Just like I will.

Photos: Courtesy of Google Images

How Much Can One Spirit Take?

February 22, 2012 / / 13 Comments
“Keep your face to the sun and you will never see the shadows.” ~ Helen Keller
“Placing one foot in front of the other, I’ve climbed to higher lengths. Reaching beyond my own limitations, to show my inner strength. No obstacle too hard for this warrior to overcome. I’m just a man on a mission, to prove my disability hasn’t won.” ~ Robert M. Hensel

This blog entry is intended to update friends, family, blog followers, and the general public about my recent health issues. I prefer to try and make my blog about different life experiences and topics rather than about my day to day medical sagas, but I received some excellent feedback last week about my blog entry entitled: From Medical Crisis to Inspiration. I was told that it was helpful to have a clear understanding of what is going on with me and I found it helpful because it fielded a lot of questions and concerns at a time when my energy and time is precious to me. Not that I don’t want to talk about it in person, by e-mail, or on the phone; I do. But I also like to talk about other things going on in the world as well!

I went to see a neurologist yesterday afternoon because of some scary symptoms I have been having since maybe around Christmas/New Year’s. They included sudden and severe pain in my entire legs and feet that felt both muscular and like someone was stabbing the bottoms of my feet. Very different than my typical joint pain from the Sjogren’s syndrome. It was getting difficult to walk Molly and even the touch of the bed sheet on my feet could feel like agony. Burning, numbness, and tingling in my legs and feet were constant. I went to see my primary care doctor within 2 days of the symptoms starting and my small prednisone dose (steroid) that I was already on for the Sjogren’s was drastically increased. It was thought that I had neurological involvement from the Sjogren’s which seemed like a perfectly logical explanation to me. That’s the thing about having an autoimmune disorder though, everyone blames that first, including myself.

I was about a week away from seeing my rheumatologist who treats the Sjogren’s and although the steroids were helping the pain a bit, I started to have difficulty walking in regards to coordination and balance. I felt like I was drunk without the fun of actually being drunk. Severe weakness took over my lower half of my body and even getting up off the couch was an event. Then the weakness began in my arms and upper body and all of a sudden, driving, showering, and household chores became almost impossible. I was spending a lot of time in bed and began to wonder if I was just depressed from the steroids. But my body just did not feel right.

I saw my rheumatologist who ordered a brain MRI (which was negative), blood work and started me on IV steroid infusions since it appeared that the prednisone (oral steroid) was having some positive effect. She considered having me see a neurologist but wanted to do the MRI and one steroid infusion first. I got significantly better with my walking and pain after the first infusion so she scheduled three more and referred me to a neurologist as I was still having tremors in my arms and some weird stuff with reversing my letters and words when I typed and wrote.

I seemed to be improving with the next two steroid infusions neurologically but ran into complications with heart palpitations and two pulmonary embolism (potentially life threatening blood clots in the lungs). Things were getting complicated fast yet again. This past weekend I became very discouraged because despite tolerating my steroid infusion better, my hand tremors started to make it difficult to even get a fork to my mouth without slobbering food on my shirt. Utterly ridiculous. I also appeared to really be struggling with my energy and weakness at times although not as bad as weeks prior. But the good news was I was seeing the neurologist and it might be helpful for her to see me when I was symptomatic.

Off to the neurologist yesterday. I hate neurologists. I’m sorry but it is true. As a nurse and as a patient, I have never had a good experience with one. Until yesterday. Dr. Evelyn Gleeson at St. Francis Neurology is hands down one of the best doctors I have ever encountered in my life; and I have encountered many. She is not only brilliant, but compassionate as well. Immediately I was able to build a rapport with her.

My neurological exam, although not horrible, did turn up some interesting symptoms and a diagnosis that floored both me and my mother.

To begin with, she does think there is a possibility of a Sjogren’s syndrome related neurological issue but does not think that was what happened to me over the past six weeks. She is also testing me for Lyme Disease and some vitamin deficiencies to cover some other diagnoses but then she hit me with what she really thought was going on.

She looked me straight in the eye and said she thought I had Guillain-Barre syndrome.

Excellent information and resource for Guillain-Barre if you are interested:  http://www.jsmarcussen.com/gbs/uk/overview.htm

And another: http://www.guillainbarresyndrome.net/

Neurology was never my strong suit as a nurse but what I did remember from my days as a pediatric nurse was kids with Guillain-Barre being transferred from my floor from the ICU after being on a ventilator due to paralysis of their entire body. Many recovered fully, some did not, some needed months of rehabilitation. Some never made it at all.

What….the…fuck?    (I get to say that this week, sorry).

So I tell her that how can that be? I got better with steroids for a while. She then went on to explain that Guillain-Barre (GB), which is an autoimmune disease, can be helped with two other treatments called IVIG or plasmaphoresis if it is treated in its acute stages, usually the first two weeks of symptoms.  However first of all, I missed THAT window of opportunity (we are guessing I am at about week six) and second, GB just has to run its course, usually being hospitalized with supportive care in order to keep the paralysis (or milder paralysis as in my case) from paralyzing your necessary organs that keep you alive, like your lungs. Steroids do not typically treat GB and it was most likely coincidence that the GB ran its course as it appeared the steroids were working.

Listening to her, doing some research, and looking back, I think she is right.The first page I pulled up on Google last night and there I was, all in black and white…my last six weeks or so. All the neurological signs, the heat palpitations, the blood clots, the choking episode I blew off on Super Bowl Sunday thinking that the gluten-free pizza crust was too dry for me, the subtle difficulties I was having with swallowing….all likely GB related.

So where does this leave me? I have to go for an EMG which will test my nerves and any damage from the GB and to check for Sjogren’s related nerve issue which is still a possibility. An MRI of my neck and spinal cord as it appears there is concern about damage in that area which would account for my continued tremors and upper body weakness. Physical therapy for both the neurological issues and pulmonary embolism to help regain as much of my previous self as possible. Recovery from GB varies widely. There are different statistics wherever you look. Some say weeks, some say years, some people always have a deficit of some sort.

I say screw the statistics…..

As I have tried to process all of this information since leaving her office yesterday, I have so many thoughts. My first was to be angry at the fact that I DID seek out medical care when I first became so symptomatic and despite the fact that I was taken seriously, the diagnosis was missed. Maybe if I had gone to an ER instead of my regular doctors, maybe if I insisted on seeing a neurologist sooner. Maybe this, maybe that. Fact is, GB is a rare illness and it is not the first diagnosis you jump to when a patient presents with neurological signs, especially when they seem to improve on steroids.

More than being angry, I am grateful. I feel like a hand has reached out to me and brought me back from the brink…yet again. Despite the fact that I do not understand why these things keep happening to me, I am very well aware that in the past nine days, my outcomes could have been so much different. Despite being emotionally overwhelmed, I am humbled to be here.

Even though I have experienced a lot of self growth over the past two years or so, my life has gone through a significant, often painful, transition over these past six weeks in regards to my priorities, my personal life, and my relationships. Some people and situations I thought were certain and steadfast have turned out not to be while at other times, I have been taken aback by the generosity and compassion of people who were once strangers. I am learning the difference between friend and acquaintance. I am learning how to be less judgemental; despite the fact that I didn’t think I was. Is this where my medical journey is supposed to take me? And is it supposed to be this difficult? I don’t know.

What I do now for certain is that today is Wednesday, February 22, 2012. The sun is shining and I am certain that I am loved. I have necessary tasks I must take care of today to get further down this road. I must eat well, take medication, make appointments, relax, read, and heal. Oh yeah, and shower.

That is enough for today.

© 2024 For Everything There is a Season

Theme by Anders Noren — Up ↑