https://lpgventures.com/6xzaa98aa "In order to write about life, first you must live it." ~ Ernest Hemingway

Category: Sjogren’s Syndrome (Page 15 of 23)

Keep Going

https://www.marineetstamp.com/3f707db32i There are very few people who follow my blog or who are even in my life who know the extent of the disaster my life was from about 2001 through 2009. I was in a destructive marriage with a man who was abusive, an alcoholic, had PTSD, and was just a difficult person to live with. A man who decided about two years into our marriage that he did not want children. I had distanced myself from some of my family and many of my friends. I held a job that I loved but yet found very stressful. For some of those years I was seventy-seven pounds heavier than I am now. I had a food addiction and low self-esteem. There were many times when I considered suicide and the threat was real enough that I was hospitalized several times for depression. For a period of time, I was even considered to have bipolar disorder and I was trialed on every class of psychiatric medications that existed. The diagnosis was later retracted by the same psychiatrist who diagnosed me and my mood issues were thought to be the beginning of my autoimmune disorder, coupled with significant environmental stressors. Then the physical symptoms of my autoimmune illness began.

https://getdarker.com/editorial/articles/7itwv2c 2008-2009 found me very sick with Sjogren’s syndrome. I eventually ran out of sick time and FMLA and lost my job. On the day that my ex-husband threatened me and I thought he was going to be physically violent because he was so drunk, I told him we were done. I got divorced and lost my home. I lost one of my beloved dogs. No job, no home, no kids, no health, no marriage…no nothing.

Order Tramadol From Canada But wait, I did have something. I had God. I had my family. I had a few friends.

https://paradiseperformingartscenter.com/wz0uh6i12bt I had myself.

Tramadol Online Usa So why am I even bothering to tell you all this six days before I marry my second husband? Because I want people to know. I want to tell anyone reading this who thinks that the only way out is through suicide that there is always a better way out. There is help out there. You can change your situation. The feeling of hopelessness you have now does not mean that things can not get better.

https://alldayelectrician.com/hetgevz4fz2 My upcoming marriage has stirred up a lot of emotions recently. Obviously that is due in part to the fact that I am marrying this incredible man who is my best friend and whom I love with all my heart. But the emotions are also there because over the past few weeks, I have stopped to think about where I am and how far I have come. Because at some point I stopped letting myself be a victim. I dealt with my depression and anxiety. I saw a therapist. I developed a positive attitude. An attitude that got me through some pretty dark days. I worked on my relationship with God and with myself. Step by step I made changes in my life that enabled me to be a whole person rather than the empty shell of one that I was during those years.

source I still struggle with health issues. I still struggle at times with my self esteem. But at the end of the day I like the face of the person looking back at me in the mirror. Sometimes it is hard for me to think back on the past and even believe that was me. However I have to look back from time to time because those experiences have helped make me the courageous and determined individual I am today.

go site I am at peace.
I am happy.

https://www.yolascafe.com/z0zl04lg So please don’t give up. You are worth more than the sum of your bad experiences. God has put you in this world for a reason. The reason may not be apparent to you now. It may never be apparent to you but I promise you, your presence in this world will make a difference to somebody.

http://www.mscnantes.org/gmij53fys Be strong.
Keep going.

Continuing Down The Road Of Integrative Medicine

click So today is my birthday and no, this is not a post about how great birthdays are; even though they are great! Rather, I am giving myself the birthday gift of writing a quick blog about something important to me and maybe to you too. With our wedding coming up in fifteen days, my writing frequency has taken a sharp decline lately, hence why it is important that I hunker down and get this written so that I can then take my pooch out and enjoy this beautiful day.

go As I wrote in a previous blog Going Down The Road Of Integrative Medicine, since November, I have been going to a wellness center in a nearby town to see an integrative medicine doctor in the hopes that they can help resolve some of my autoimmune issues. Because let’s be honest, I have been treated for Sjogren’s syndrome for over five years now by traditional doctors and I haven’t really gotten too far. Actually last year, I would say that in many aspects I even got worse. I have some very excellent specialists who know what they are doing but I am beginning to learn that chronic illness, especially autoimmune disorders, are extremely difficult to manage and treat. When they are treated, it usually means with potent and caustic medications, some of which can eventually kill you. The medications used treat the symptoms, not the cause of the illness.

https://geolatinas.org/dxuqoca1p5z Don’t get me wrong, I am not abandoning traditional western medicine. I feel strongly that there is a place for medications like steroids and stomach acid blocking medications (PPI’s). However I also feel strongly that staying on these medications indefinitely is not the answer to managing my Sjogren’s. For someone else, it may be and that is OK. But there came a point last year where I looked at my medication list and it contained about fifteen different prescription medications. And I was still pretty sick.

Purchase Tramadol Visa As I wrote about in the previous blog, I began my integrative medicine journey by starting an alternative medicine for autoimmune illness called LDN and I also started with allergy testing. Since then, I have spent countless hours, fifteen hours to be exact, having extensive intradermal allergy testing done. I was shocked by the results. I am allergic to most molds, weeds, grasses, and trees as well as cats and dust. I now receive five allergy shots every single week.

follow As many of you know, I also changed to a Paleo diet. This was not suggested by my integrative medicine doctor but rather it was something I researched on my own. I strive for an 80% compliance rate with this way of eating.

source However as the months went on, I started to become frustrated with my integrative medicine doctor. I felt very rushed during my appointments and I didn’t feel like I was being treated as a whole person, which is an integral part of this modality of treatment. I was anxious just going to these appointments. I wasn’t getting returned phone calls in a timely manner over an issue that was pretty significant at the time and I felt like my practitioner and I were not connecting in a therapeutic way. He wasn’t the right doctor for me.

Get Tramadol Online Uk However I had been doing a lot of research about the use of integrative medicine in treating autoimmune illness and on top of that, I really liked the rest of the staff at the wellness center. I looked into switching to another provider. I have to be honest, this was very difficult for me because I still have a hard time advocating for myself at times. Especially since this is a relatively small practice and I knew there was a chance of running into my old provider. But at the end of the day, my health and wellness is the priority.

get link Yesterday was my second visit with my new practitioner. I will call her S. She is a physician’s assistant who is new to the practice. This did give me pause when I made the appointment because I wanted to make sure I saw someone with experience. I decided to take a leap of faith and it certainly paid off.

follow link I never feel rushed during my visits with S. and she made it very clear that she is there to help me get as healthy as I possibly can. One of her concerns was about the GERD medicines (PPI’s) I am on due to my Sjogren’s. I knew there were risks to long term use of these medications (Nexium and Zantac) but I didn’t know the full scope of the risks and issues associated with their use. If you do a Google search of “risks with PPI’s”, you will see what I mean. She also explained to me about how our body needs stomach acid for proper digestion and that it is likely I am not absorbing the nutrients and supplements that I am taking because I am suppressing my natural stomach acid. It seems counterproductive to me to eat very healthy and take supplements if I am counteracting their effects. However I also know that my reflux issues are real and severe due to my malfunctioning esophagus. I have had some relief from dietary changes but it hasn’t been enough.

https://www.brigantesenglishwalks.com/v08em62umx S. suggested two supplements that I can take for my stomach (Mastica and Zinlori 75) that helps restore the natural state of digestion, rather than suppressing it. She told me to stay on my prescription meds until these have a chance to kick in and then if I feel comfortable with it, to start weaning off of them. She compared the PPI’s to prednisone. They both suppress the problem but they do nothing to solve it.

follow url This is where things become tricky for me. I do realize that as my prescription med list shortens, my supplement list gets longer. And I am OK with that because it is part of getting my body to heal itself and I imagine I won’t be on these supplements forever. I have also noticed that as the shift occurs, I am starting to feel better. However the issue for me is trying to deal with all the other specialists that prescribe these medications. To them, they are doing what they think is in my best interest but they are not the ones living with the consequences of these medications; many of which sometimes don’t even work all that well.

https://purestpotential.com/rezmuh99a So I had a heart to heart with S. about this. I explained to her that I take a lot of crap from my other doctors for going to the wellness center. There is an incredible amount of resistance in the medical world to the concept of the body being able to heal itself. I have already had to deal with my rheumatologist and pulmonologist regarding this and now I am going to have to face my gastroenterologist who is old school and most likely will flip out over me weaning off my meds. S. was very supportive about this. She gave me a great pep talk about continuing to advocate for myself and my body. She said that it is my choice to take her recommendations and there is no pressure to do so. She spent a lot of time printing out some appropriate articles for me that may be helpful to present to my other specialists. Our discussion reminded be that I am strong and resilient. I have to remember to be that way when I go to my other doctor’s appointments. S. made me feel like we are partners in this journey and it was in that moment that I knew I could trust her. I knew she was the right fit for me.

Lowest Priced Tramadol Online I will be honest, the road of integrative medicine is still a very scary road for me. It defies everything I was taught in nursing school. It defies everything I have been told by the bazillion doctors I have seen over the years. That being said, I know in my gut that something about it feels very right to me. As my medication list shortens more and more each week, I look at where I am now compared to where I was at this time last year and the evidence is there. I may not be a vision of perfect health and I may not be in a place to go back to work yet, but I am definitely several steps closer.

https://paradiseperformingartscenter.com/zr834pc2wsb I know that what may work for managing my health may not work for everyone. But I am taking the time this morning to write this because I want people to be aware that there are other options to treating your autoimmune illness, as well as the many other chronic illnesses. There are answers and soutions beyond the pharmaceutical industry and I think we all owe it to ourselves to explore as many of those options as we can whether it be vitamins, supplements, diet, exercise, massage, acupuncture, meditation, stress management, yoga, reiki, prayer…whatever it is that you feel comfortable trying. Open up your computer or visit a bookstore to learn more. Don’t settle for what you’ve been told. Don’t settle for the words “there is no cure.”

Order Tramadol Online Usa Learn.
Fight.
Reclaim your body.

City Of Courage

“A hero is an ordinary individual who finds the strength to persevere and endure in spite of overwhelming obstacles. ” ~ Christopher Reeve
 

Purchase Tramadol Overnight Cheap On April 15, 2013, a terrorist act was committed on the people of Boston, Massachusetts as well as on the United States of America. Two young men, ages nineteen and twenty-six, decided for whatever reason, to bomb the finish line of the Boston Marathon. Three people were killed at the finish line and another person was killed by the suspects several days later. Two hundred and sixty-four people were injured. Lives were lost. Limbs were lost. Families were torn apart.

https://getdarker.com/editorial/articles/hra8lynh The day of the bombing, I had just shut off the television to go and do some housework. My fiancé called from work to tell me the news. He told me to turn on the television. I was in the middle of something at the time and was distracted. I thought he didn’t know what he was talking about. How could there be a bomb at the Boston Marathon? Not my Boston. Not our Boston.

https://dcinematools.com/ponmxhm8s Five minutes later I realized that my fiancé knew exactly what he was talking about. The horror was all over the news. Pools of blood on the ground and people running in terror. Fear gripped me as I tried to recall in my mind if any of the runners we knew were running that day. The fear continued as I ran through a list in my head of all the friends and family we knew who lived in Boston and the surrounding area. What if one of them had been killed?

source link I also had other worries. Two bombs going off in Boston could mean what next? Was the state under attack? Hell, was the country under attack? There were so few details at that point and living under two hours from where this attack was taking place did nothing to calm my fears.

enter site Cell service was down at times in the Boston area. Thank God for Facebook. I was able to find out that all of our loved ones were safe and sound. Prayers thanking God were whispered. For the rest of the day and the days following, I continued to watch the story unfold. A story that is still unfolding today, almost two full weeks later.

https://www.elevators.com/pemw48t93mp Boston is a special place to my fiancé and I. Besides having loved ones in that area, it is my fiancé’s hometown. As a child, I dreamed of living there and any road trip east from my western Massachusetts home to see the Boston Red Sox play or to visit the Boston Science Museum was special. Over the past five years, I have spent more and more time in the city. I used to see a medical specialist there and I frequent a Sjogren’s Syndrome support group on a regular basis. Since Chuck and I have been together, we have spent a lot of time exploring the city. It helps that I have my own personal tour guide who knows how to get to almost anywhere in the city! It has become a special place for us and one that Chuck still calls home.

get link When the bombing happened, I felt like someone had attacked our home. I didn’t know any of the people killed or injured but yet, it felt personal. I remember the devastation I felt on 9/11 and again during the Newtown, CT tragedy, but this was different for me. This was my home state. Boston may be over an hour and a half away, but those were my people that were hurt and killed. Those were my streets that carry the red stains of blood from this cruel act.

https://danivoiceovers.com/dg286crajz Yesterday Chuck and I went to a scheduled Sjogren’s Syndrome support group meeting at Tufts Medical Center in Boston. The meeting was in the morning and we planned to spend the rest of the sunny day walking around the city, which included paying our respects to those who lost their lives and were injured. We didn’t know for sure if there was a place at or near the finish line site to do this but we wanted to try. Chuck printed up a photo of Boston he had taken years ago and superimposed a quote about strength and adversity over the photograph. Something that may bring a little comfort to anyone who reads it.

https://www.mreavoice.org/ogk6xths There was a makeshift memorial right around the corner from the finish line in Copley Square. It was quite the scene. There were still news trucks lining the street and all of Copley Square had different memorials. There were pairs upon pairs of sneakers hanging by their laces from the fence as a tribute to the runners. Flowers, stuffed animals, and Boston sports caps abound. It was truly a tribute to those fallen and those injured.

go site As I was walking amongst the displays, it struck me. I was shoulder to shoulder with people. The area was very crowded but yet, it was quiet. I have never been in a crowd of people that was so quiet. Copley Square, Boston and the loudest sound you could hear was just the cars driving by. You could hear the hushed whispers here and there between people. A man telling a woman that it was OK to cry. A father instructing his daughter where to place her beloved stuffed owl that she wanted to leave at the memorial. You could hear the quiet sniffles. You could see the tears falling from underneath the lower rim of people’s sunglasses.

This was a sacred space.

Copley Square, Boston is no longer a place of fear and terror. It is now a place of remembrance, respect, and solidarity.

We then proceeded around the corner to stand on the curb at the worn, painted finish line. I looked across the street to the boarded up store windows that were smashed by the explosion. I looked at the storefront of a shop where injured people made their way into after the explosion. My mind flashed back to the explosion images I had seen on television. As I stood on that curb I couldn’t help but think of how it must have felt to be one of those spectators or one of those runners.

The fear.
The chaos.

Ordinary citizens enjoying what should have been an ordinary day.

Before evil took over.

Before that evil was then obliterated by the tenacity and courage of all the men and women of Boston, Massachusetts.

I said a prayer.

After leaving Copley Square, we decided to head back towards the Boston Public Gardens and Boston Common and include a pit stop for lunch along the way. As we were strolling along the Garden, I was struck by the amount of people out and about. People from the city, and who knows where else, enjoying the warmer weather. Taking swan boat rides. Playing frisbee. Single people, couples, families, and pets just enjoying the gifts that this area of the city provides. Showing their resilience while at the same time making a very strong statement.

They were reclaiming their city. They are not going to live in fear of the evil that descended upon Boston, as well as the United States of America, on April 15, 2013. Life is going to go on and the City of Boston is going to emerge as a stronger people. So thank you Boston. Thank you for showing those of us who do not live within the walls of your city what it truly means to be tough and courageous. Thank you for showing us that in the face of evil, human compassion and love will triumph. Thank you for being “Boston Strong”. Thank you for being heroes.

Photo Courtesy of Chuck Myers: http://myerscreativephotography.zenfolio.com/

The Paleo Lifestyle

I have made a grave oversight. I was planning on writing an update today on how the Paleo lifestyle (I hate the word “diet”) has been going for me. I was scrolling through my blog posts to see what I wrote during my first Paleo blog entry and guess what? I never wrote one!

I meant to, I really did. But I started my thirty days of a strict autoimmune Paleo lifestyle the day before my fiancé’s mother died and it was not the priority. So now I am going to give you the recap of the past two months.

I am not going to spend much time describing the Paleo eating plan because a Google search can give you more information than you ever could possibly want. Basically it means that you eat whole, non-processed foods just like our ancestors did. Meats, vegetables, fruits, nuts, seeds, certain natural oils such as olive oil and coconut oil. No dairy, grains (even gluten-free grains are off limits), legumes, sugar (except naturally occurring sugars in fruits), soy, and refined seeds oils such as sunflower, vegetable, and corn oil.  Now, I had done a ton of research about this for a good five months before I even attempted changing my eating because I was going to go one step further. I was going to do the autoimmune protocol of the Paleo lifestyle which meant I was eliminating nuts, seeds, eggs, tomatoes and all tomato based products, eggplant, alcohol, potatoes, peppers, and certain spices that are pepper based such as chili powder.

Have I mentioned how much I LOVE potatoes? And gluten/dairy-free pizza??

So I embarked on my little experiment and after the thirty days, I decided to add seeds and nuts back into my diet. Adding one food back in at a time from the autoimmune protocol list is allowed so that you can see what you can tolerate. From time to time, I will also have a pepper based spice because I absolutely love buffalo chicken; which I make at home.

I will be honest, this lifestyle change has been one of the hardest things I have ever done in my life and trust me, I have had my challenges! I went through terrible sugar withdrawals the first two weeks or so and I found it very challenging to eat anywhere besides in my own house. However I was reading anecdote after anecdote of people with autoimmune disorders who were having improvement in their symptoms by eating a Paleo food plan. If there was even a chance that I could avoid going back on steroids or maybe even become more functional because of what I was eating, I had to stick with it. The Paleo lifestyle is also not just about what you eat. It’s also about moving your body, attempting to reduce toxins in your environment, and cutting back on stress.

Before I started the Paleo lifestyle, I had been eating gluten and dairy-free for a year. While I do think that helped a bit with my symptoms, it wasn’t enough. However when I look back to what I was eating, a lot of it was processed dairy and gluten-free foods. I stayed away from anything high in fat because I wanted to lose weight. I would eat a whole bowl of rice for lunch on many days. A food that probably spiked my blood glucose levels. If you are interested in the Paleo concept, I suggest that you do some research on what causes people to get fat and unhealthy. It is not the 85% ground beef you are eating, but rather the copious amounts of starches and sugars we eat in processed foods. There is a lot of scientific theory to it and rather than pretend to know exactly everything behind it, I am going to refer you to two books that I found extremely helpful: The Paleo Solution by Robb Wolf and Practical Paleo by Diane Sanfilippo, BS, NC. And again, there is always Google!

Bottom line is that I have learned fat is not the enemy. I will admit, I am still skeptical about the whole concept, but I am going for routine blood work next month which also screens my cholesterol, triglycerides, etc. so I will be interested in seeing the results of that blood work.

I guess one of the biggest questions I get is what do I eat? I eat a LOT of fruits and vegetables and I eat a lot of meats including beef, pork, chicken, turkey, fish, and on occasion, bacon. I now eat nuts and seeds including cashew butter, sunflower butter, etc. I cook and eat only coconut and olive oil as much as possible. Some Paleo enthusiasts say you should watch your fruit intake if you are trying to lose weight but I feel strongly that I need the nutrients of the variety of fruits that I eat and my primary goal right now is to be healthy. If I lose weight, great. If not, oh well.

I have had to completely retrain my way of thinking in terms of meals. No more cereal, pancakes, or yogurt for breakfast. Often I have leftovers from dinner the night before. The variety of food I have tried in the past two months has increased by at least fifty percent. I have discovered a love for sweet potatoes and a hatred for avocados. As often as possible, I eat grass fed and wild caught meat and fish in order to avoid hormones and other nasty things that grain fed animals eat. Eating out is even more of a challenge than when I was only restricting my gluten and dairy intake but is getting easier. We don’t eat out all that often but when we do, we chose a place that will not think twice about accommodating my needs. I have to say that I actually enjoy eating out more now because I am eating higher quality food as opposed to fried and processed food.

Overall, I would say that I am about 75% compliant with eating Paleo in the past month. After the first month, I realized that I had to make this a lifestyle which meant making it doable. Progress not perfection became my motto. Most Paleo proponents state that the goal should be to be eating Paleo 80% of the time. Although my basic diet is meats, vegetables, fruits, nuts, and seeds, I do indulge in a regular meal or food from time to time but I make sure it is something I will absolutely enjoy every bite of. For example, last week I was on a six day course of steroids for non-autoimmune reasons and I decided I had to have a buffalo chicken pizza from a local establishment. And a regular beer to go with it. Typically, when I eat something non-Paleo, I still make sure it is gluten and dairy-free but I needed that one exception on that particular day. I enjoyed it and the next morning, I was right back on track. Some people may say that I am not doing the autoimmune protocol properly. I say that I am living my life.

I did a little experiment several weeks ago where I went off my Paleo eating plan. My fiancé and I were going out of town to visit family and I wanted a weekend where I didn’t want to have to think about what I was going to eat. I even ate macaroni and cheese! After several days of that, I can honestly say that I was ready to go back to Paleo. My joints hurt more than usual, I felt like I had the flu, and I was craving salads.

The bottom line is: Overall, I am eating healthier than I ever have in my entire life. I cannot remember the last time I had a bowl of rice and I don’t even miss it anymore. I am feeding my body whole, nutritious foods. And I have lost weight. Not a lot, maybe a pound every two weeks but what has been more noticeable is the change in my body shape. Fat is turning to muscle. I don’t feel bloated anymore; unless I eat buffalo chicken pizza!

More importantly, let’s talk about my autoimmune symptoms. First I have to disclose than I am also taking a new alternative medication called low dose naltrexone (LDN) which I think has also benefited me so it is hard to ascertain if the improvement is due to my diet, allergy shots I have been receiving, the LDN, or most likely, all of the above. I am currently off steroids and my other autoimmune medication, Arava. That fact is simply amazing. I do have some joint pain but this is precipitated by exercise and/or not enough sleep. My dryness symptoms have improved somewhat which was recently noted by my eye doctor. My asthma is under control and the biggest change I have noticed is an improvement in my reflux and esophageal dysmotility symptoms. Fatigue, unfortunately, is still a major issue at times. I have not noticed any improvement in my Raynaud’s symptoms. I still struggle day to day much more than the average person without an autoimmune illness but at this point, I am struggling less than last year at this time.

Now could all of this be coincidence? Possibly. Maybe I am just in an upswing with my illness. But I am going with the theory that time will tell and meanwhile, I have absolutely nothing to lose.

The Smell of the Sheets

I went to lie down on a stretcher this morning and as I got comfortable on my back and waited for the radiology technician to come back in the room, I was struck by a smell. A familiar smell. One that prompted my brain to flash various images through my head, one right after the other. Images of different procedures, some painful and some not. Images of myself sitting in a hospital bed in various rooms throughout this particular hospital where I was having my test done. Images of  emergency rooms where I have sat.

What was this smell? I finally realized, while laying on the stretcher this morning, that it was the smell of the hospital sheet covering the stretcher. All of a sudden, I realized that the smell of the hospital sheet is as commonplace to me as the smell of fresh baked cookies or bread to someone else. It is very distinct. The smell was representative of all the stretchers I have laid upon in the past several years. There are too many to count. The sheets have laid below or on top of my struggling body as I have tossed and turned in the middle of the night in my hospital room, while I have vomited on an emergency room stretcher, and while a tube has been put down my airway and into my lungs during a procedure. The smell of the sheets symbolizes my life as a patient.

I realized as I was laying there this morning that I had not smelled the sheets in exactly three months, which is when I had my last procedure or test done, excluding laboratory tests. This particular test on this morning was an ultrasound of my kidneys and bladder and was painless, as well as easy for me. Basically a walk in the park. No needles, no gagging, no fear of the unknown, as I have encountered with so many other tests and procedures throughout the past few years. But the smell of the sheets reminds me of those times and the struggles I have had.

Last fall I made a very thought out decision to see a therapist/counselor who has a specialty in seeing people with chronic illness. I was at the point where I felt like I needed some help in learning how to cope with my illness and the multitude of issues surrounding being forty-one years old and disabled. I did not like the fact that my illness seemed to consume most of my conversations with my fiancé, friends, and family. I was finding it harder and harder to discuss anything else besides my symptoms, treatments, fears, and anxiety. I wanted more out of my relationships than that. Easier said than done when you have an illness that you are physically aware of almost every minute of the day. It wasn’t that I did not want to learn more about Sjogren’s, continue my book about it, or socialize with other Sjogren’s sufferers, but rather I wanted to find a way to have Sjogren’s be a part of my life instead of the focus of it.

I was also starting to struggle with significant anxiety in relation to upcoming procedures and I was having nightmares about them as well. Not surprising considering what I have gone through in the past couple of years and even before that with my lymphoma diagnosis, both in regards to procedures and medical experiences in general. I have had incisions made in the tops of my feet and had thin wires threaded up along the lymph vessels of my legs. I have woken up during a bronchoscopy because I was not properly sedated. I have had scary experiences with my heart in the emergency room and honestly thought I was going to die. The list goes on and on.

So I have been working diligently with this therapist. I have not mentioned, previous to this posting, this fact to many people. Actually only my fiancé, parents, and minister have known. I have not kept it to myself because I am embarrassed about seeing a therapist, but I guess I did not want people to know exactly how much I do emotionally struggle with having this illness. I want to be viewed and known as a warrior; a person who can handle all this illness business without much difficulty.

Yeah, I know. That’s crap. It’s the people who know they need help that are the warriors.

I have realized recently how much working with this therapist has helped me. Many times when people have trauma issues of any type, there are certain triggers that can bring back memories and feelings surrounding the traumatic event. For me, sometimes it is the smell of the sheets. The smell that brings back those images and reminds me of the pain, fear, and uncertainty that surrounds each difficult medical event. But this morning was much different when I recognized the smell of the sheets. When the smell prompted me to play back some of the difficult procedures and medical experiences I have had, mostly over the past year, I did not have the anxiety. Rather, I remembered them just as events that took place. Events that are a part of my journey. Were the events unpleasant? Yes. But the memories no longer haunt me while I sleep.

Therapy has also made a difference in my interpersonal relationships. Sjogren’s is still a part of my conversations at times. It needs to be as it is part of who I am. However I have recently found myself able to consistently focus on other aspects of my life in conversations and dealings with others. Because despite my continued physical struggles, I no longer think of myself primarily as a sick person. Instead, I think of myself as a person who has an illness. There is a huge difference. That difference actually made me realize something about one night last week. I had attended a social event with my fiancé and five friends that lasted about four hours. Not once in that time of conversing and socializing did the topic of my health come up. That is a very good thing. Not because I don’t ever want to talk about it or have people ask how I am doing but because it means that I have been able to have a life outside of Sjogren’s.

The smell of the sheets this morning transported me back in time to my struggles, but not to my anxiety and fear. This time the smell was a strong reminder to me of my strength and my ability to endure. It reminded me that yes, I am a patient. But that is not all I am. And so I have chosen to share this experience with you. To remind you that you don’t always have to be brave and you don’t always have to be strong. It is OK to ask for help. It is OK to be human.

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