When Grief Surprises You

I woke up today with the intent of not letting another day go by without getting our tax information ready for our accountant. I know, you’re probably saying, “But it’s August”!

We file extensions every year because my husband’s business tax information doesn’t come to us until right around this time. Meanwhile, I gather all our forms and work on my medical deductions.

Calculating the medical deductions is getting easier for me every year, but it takes time. It’s best for me to do it all in one sitting as I have to go through multiple sources to document mileage, tolls, parking, deductibles, etc. I wanted to get it out of the way today because I have some extra free time and because September will be very busy for me. I didn’t want the stress of getting it done hanging over my head.

I sat myself down in my office this morning and got to work. I have a system put in place that works for me. One aspect of that system is going through my credit card statement, line by line, for the past year. I do this to look for medical expenses that I paid for out of pocket.

As I was scrolling through my credit card report, I began to get anxious. I wasn’t anxious at all this morning so I noticed it and just kept going. As I continued scrolling, the anxiety got worse and I realized I was on the verge of panic. I have a history of anxiety that recently has been under control, so this feeling was surprising to me.

Since I am armed with an arsenal of coping skills, I knew I needed to stop what I was doing and deal with the anxiety because it was just going to get worse. I put my pen down and did some diaphragmatic breathing.

It didn’t work.

That was surprising. So I moved on to other breathing techniques, including box breathing and 4-7-8 breathing. I did a grounding technique. I got a little relief, but my heart was still racing like crazy and I thought I was going to throw up. For a split second, I wondered if it was something medical, since these symptoms are also indicative of heart attacks in women. But, I know my body. I know my anxiety.

I stopped everything and went through my mind as to everything I had done since I got up this morning to try and figure out what was causing the anxiety. I wasn’t anxious about doing the taxes, but I realized that the page I was on in my credit report was line after line of veterinary charges…

Countryside Animal Hospital
Tufts Veterinary Hospital
Sturbridge Specialty Animal Hospital

And, a host of other expenses for medical and behavioral treatment.

I started to cry; not the tears rolling down your cheeks type of crying, but the chest heaving, sobbing kind.

It was Maisy.

I was still grieving Maisy.

I’ll be honest, this surprised me. Our dog, Maisy, passed away about fourteen months ago and I thought I was on the other side of that grief, as much as one can be anyways. But I knew, with absolute certainty, this was the cause of my anxiety.

Maisy was the third dog we had lost in the span of five years, one right after the other. Dogs are not just pets to my husband and I, they are family and each loss compounded the previous one. I always said I would write their stories for this blog, but I never found myself able to do so.

Even now, I don’t want to get into the specific details of all we went through with Maisy because it was difficult, heart wrenching, and the stress of her illnesses was one of the many causes of me going through a tough mental health crisis. I have worked through losing Maisy, and the loss of Molly and Foxy, in therapy, but while helpful, therapy is not a cure for grief.

There is no cure.

And, there is no way around the grief. You have to walk through it and hope that as you do, the good memories will slowly take over those difficult memories of their illness and subsequent death.

The grief of a beloved pet is a unique one. For me, it has been just as hard as the losses I have experienced with my loved ones. It’s the loss of a companion, a friend, and your source of comfort.

It’s the loss of unconditional love.

Whether it’s the loss of a pet, beloved family member, friend, job, health, etc., grief has no rules that it plays by. It is an experience that we must journey through and weave into the fabric of our daily lives.

One of the hardest parts of grief for me is how it can catch me off guard at the most unexpected times. The other day, I was scrolling through my Facebook memories and there were photos of Molly in her healthier years and it truly brought me joy. Another day, I came upon a video on social media of a purebred husky that was playing just like Foxy used it and the resemblance was uncanny. It made me sad as I yearned for all the experiences we wouldn’t have with her. Last night, my husband and I were watching the end of the Westminster Dog Show and enjoyed watching the final selection, as well as cheering for the winner.

But this morning I was doing taxes, and BAM, there was all my grief over losing Maisy, pouring out like it had happened that day in June 2020. So, I let it pour out. My first instinct was to try and ignore it while pushing on with doing my taxes, but I have come to learn that I need to allow what I’m feeling to be what it is, in that particular moment.

I put my head down on my desk and cried for as long as I needed to. I immediately felt better afterwards. My heart rate returned to normal. My stomach settled down. I had very little left to do to finish the taxes, so I finished them. But then, I felt like I needed to do more with my grief experience. I needed to write. I often ignore this need in favor of getting some other task done. Also, when I do write lately, I have been focusing on journaling just for myself.

This one though, I’m putting out into the world. Because I know you, the people who adore their beloved pets, and the grief we experience when their too short lives end, sometimes after years and years of love and devotion and sometimes just when we start to fall deeply in love with them.

Our pets are such an important part of our story.
Love them.
Grieve them.
Honor them.